311

i had a dream last night that i was in my grandmother's apartment, walking around and holding and petting kiawah, her warmth pressing into my side.

i put her down carefully and she ran off as nana asked me something from another area of the apartment.

i went into her kitchen and opened the fridge door and there was nothing in there. the shelves were bare save for two unidentifiable containers.

i choked back a gasp and made my way to the other room where b was.

"she's preparing to die. she's cleaning everything out because she knows she is dying."

"no" he said "she probably just hasn't gone to get groceries"

"no, she's preparing the die. i know it"

and then i broke down sobbing uncontrollably because i knew it was true.

310

i'm feeling cheeky today.

309

you know people just need to start letting other people live their lives. the world has become a nasty place to be...

308

"The creative act lasts but a brief moment, a lightning instant of give-and-take, just long enough for you to level the camera and to trap the fleeting prey in your little box."

- pioneer Henri Cartier Bresson

307

"each candidate behaved well in the hope of being judged worthy of election. however, this system was disastrous when the city had become corrupt. for then it was not the most virtuous but the most powerful who stood for election, and the weak, even if virtuous, were too frightened to run for office."

- Machiavelli, and oh so appropriate in New York City this day...

306

never doubt yourself.

305

"my answers are inadequate
to those demamding day and date
and ever set a tiny shock
through strangers asking what's o'clock;
whose days are spent in whittling rhyme-
what's time to her or she to time?"

- dorothy parker

BOO!!!! - 304

"I dont see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look all around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see."

- my third favorite Peanuts character, Linus van Pelt from It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

303

"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people."

- from philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer

302

"I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them."

- Henry James

301

"But I miss you most of all
My darling
When autumn leaves
Start to fall

Since you went away
The days grow long
And soon I'll hear
Old winter's song

But I miss you most of all
My darling
When autumn leaves
Start to fall"

- from Autumn Leaves, lyrics by the great Johnny Mercer

300

"Look and think before opening the shutter. The heart and mind are the true lens of the camera."

"Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness."

- both attributed to Yousuf Karsh, brilliant, legendary portrait photographer

299

my contact sheet and prints from the roll i processed last week came out horrible tonight.

i'm not angry or sad with myself but i am a little overwhelmed with information and the awareness of the knowledge and skill i don't yet posses. of course i will get better and i will learn more but as with anything you are new to or only minimally familiar with there is a learning curve - it takes time. i will allow myself that. but it won't stop the swirl of confusion and frustration as i move along.

the main issue i am facing at the moment is that i feel that my creative vision is really strong and i know what i want but my technical knowledge is limited and my comfort level with film has all but dropped into the red since all i have used for years has been digital. so i have to accept, wholeheartedly, a tearing down to make way for a building up. and we all have experienced how challenging that can be in any area of your life.

my photopsychotherapy?

298

MRS. SLOCOMBE: Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I would like to complain about the state of our drawers. They're a positive disgrace.
MR. RUMBOLD: Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Our drawers. They're sticking. And it's always the same in damp weather.
MR. RUMBOLD: Really.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Miss Brahms could hardly shift hers at all just now.
MR. LUCAS: No wonder she was late.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: They sent a man who put beeswax on them, but that made them worse.
MR. RUMBOLD: I'm not surprised.
MISS BRAHMS: I think they need sandpapering.

****

MRS. SLOCOMBE: I inadvertantly dropped some perfume on my pussy and I had tomcats throwing themselves at my catflap all night.

****

MISS BRAHMS: Mrs. Slocombe, that man's been hanging round our underwear counter for the past ten minutes.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Oh dear. Do you think he's one of those?
MISS BRAHMS: One of what?
MRS. SLOCOMBE: A Bon Voyeur. Y'know, they're the people who look but don't touch.
MISS BRAHMS: Ooh, I've never been out with one of those.

297

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere
Their tears are fillin' up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

Children waitin' for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world
A raunchy young world
Mad world

- mad world by tears for fears

296

although i don't really know much more about him than his name (and some vaugue memories of him from 70's and 80's pop culture) when i heard Soupy Sales passed today i just knew I had to quote something from him.

in search of something i went on youtube and watched some of his clips and damnit it all if they ain't funny!

one in particular is a words of wisdom section from his show in the 60's. i particularly liked this one:

"Soupy Sez:

Show me a rooster chasing a Member of Parliment...

...

...

and I'll show you a chicken catch a Tory!"

;-)

295

i must say - i regret saying i couldn't wait for this project to end.

i don't really feel that way. i suppose it was just the many emotions tumbling through my body right now.

i have loved doing this blog and the sense of purpose and comfort it has provided. this has been a very extreme year in terms of my emotional experiences and it continues to present challenges to me. but that only makes this more valuable and stronger in its statement to me.

i went back and read my very first entry, on december 23, 2008.

i have changed since then. and it is definitely due in part to the discoveries i've made here and the support i have gotten from a small group of very generous and lovely people, from 3d and from online. i cannot ever undervalue that and i sort of feel i did do that in my entry yesterday. i don't apologize for my emotion but i will apologize for not acknowledging you (you know who you are). thank you for being there throughout this.

i am no where near to discovering the true voice of the artist inside of me but i am definitely on my way and hope to be even closer by the time the bells chime in the first midnight of 2010.

294

i'm starting to get discouraged with this project.

truth be known i am eagerly anticipating its end come december 31.

i've started a non-digital, film photography program and starting to feel more inspiration from that and discovering what i truly have in my power, what i am able and going to learn and express.

i'm finally viewing photography as a second career choice. i'm still refining what form that will take but the possibilities and opportunities are endless. i'm purposely choosing to take this path and now learning what i need to do. i'm not letting a career "happen" to me again. i'm crafting it.

but with this blog project i think i took an awful lot on myself and expected a lot from myself. this isn't easy and places where i expected support i haven't gotten which makes it an often lonely and insulating experience.

of course the main objective was to prove something to myself but i also think it was about proving something to others as well. i do believe in myself and i have proved that i believe i have worth simply be beginning school again. but i still have many, many doubts about the way others think of me.

so in that respect i still have work to do. as discouraged as i have gotten i trudge on and look for the way through this, for certainly there IS a way.

i have a little over two months left.

let me get to working.

293

"It has been the great fault of our politicians that they have all wanted to do something."

- Anthony Trollope

292

"erotic films are when you use a feather. porn films are when you use the whole chicken."

- sean mcnamara, nip/tuck, season 1

291

home...for now.

290

"I often wonder
Is it so
All I am holding
Wants to let go
How could I manage
I don't know
I often question
Is it so
Life's contradictions
Tend to grow
Spawning the choices
And the woe
But, still somehow thrives this love
Which I pray I'm worthy of
Still somehow thrives this love
I often wonder
Is it so
The lessons of patience
Are learned slow
And earnings of labour
May never show
But, still somehow thrives this love
Which I pray I'm worthy of
Still somehow thrives this love"

- k.d. lang, still thrives this soul

289

“There are weeks when I'll spank a lot, and other weeks I'll be apathetic and lonely and won't want to look at my cock."

- Mike Dirnt of Green Day

(i think this quote is hilarious for so many reasons...)

288

children flying away in flying saucer shaped balloons. really, now? this would be a great maurice sendak book...

287

something called "swamp juice" will make your legs do special but unpredictable things...

286

Chip: That was a close one. Are you OK Dale?
Dale: Yeah. Luckily it landed on my head.

285

"Don't be afraid of your freedom

Freedom!

I'm free to do what I want any old time
I said I'm free to do what I want any old time

I say love me, hold me
Love me, hold me
'Cause I'm free to do what I want any old time
And I'm free to be who I choose any old time"

- I'm Free by the Soupdragons

284

i love being here alone together - its time away from routine and things that cause stress and anxiety - it allows us to be our truer, more authentic selves. we connect and fit as we should

i'm convinced that inspiration flows and motivation grows from the stripping away of that which doesn't fit into our lives or our selves...be that people, vocation, posession, idea...and with the removal of each ill fitting layer, we forever shine brighter and stronger.

283

it's brilliant to be outside...even in well manicured neighborhoods the grass and the trees and the plants and the lizards and the birds are all real. they are life to me.

people are what can create repression and judgement and rigidity...but only if you let them - and i refuse to let them!

282

breathe - to be free of the city and its sometimes toxic breath...it has taken me far and changed me for the best in so many ways and forever...but i wonder...is it time?