Catlow: 365

new project

2012-01-05T10:06:00.002-05:00

if anyone stops by - i'm in the proess of creating a gallery site of my own and i've also begun a new blog project on tumblr:

nothingfades in pictures

hope i see you there.

365 - The End and The Beginning

2009-12-31T15:03:00.000-05:00

I have finally reached the end of this road.

I’m still not certain of what I’ve accomplished.

I wish I had some brilliant philosophical way to wrap this whole project up. I wish I was able to say that I am confident that I am finally on the right life path and I have it all figured out. That I will leave my 30’s with clarity of mind and purity of intention – that I believe in myself wholly and now see what I must do to find fulfillment. But truthfully I can’t. And I suppose that wasn’t the intention of this anyway.

I can say is that I am happy I saw this through. I can also say that I am happy with many of the photos I took this year. I am happy that I see improvement and refinement in my style. I am happy I finally started formal education in this art form after so many years of it being a part of my life without me even noticing its significance in my life. I am happy that I became aware of the work of so many brilliant and amazing photographers that have come before and that are coming up…and realized that there is still so much more to discover! I am happy that I met new people. I am happy that I played a small role in making at least one person feel a little less stressed and anxious over the curveballs sometimes thrown at us in life. Most of all I am happy I did something for myself that turned out to be a good thing (thanks, Martha!).

At times this year was very, very trying. I really did want to give up many times. I had hissy, diva fits and found myself personally wounded when something I published and loved received no attention whatsoever. I found myself lost many times wondering what the hell I would photograph that day and what I would say.

I experienced the painful loss of a big part of my life while still trying to cope with a painful and significant loss in 2008. I’m not over either of them but I am learning to live with that and slowly trying to find a way to express that through my photography and give them the freedom they deserve. It isn’t about being over the losses it’s about accepting those losses and honoring the reason that the longing from those losses resonates even after months and years have passed.

I’m getting to know myself much better and I’m slowly, ever so slowly, learning what I have to do if I want to be that happier and fulfilled person I have always envisioned. There is so much work to do. I believe I can do it and I believe I WILL do it.

If nothing else that will be the most valuable gem gleaned from this project.

While pondering what I wanted to say in this last entry I did some reading and some research to help me along. I came across many passages and quotations that were very fitting and even in some cases inspirational but among these were two that I think really capture how I feel at this point:

"Woe to you the day it is said that you are finished! To finish a work? To finish a picture? What nonsense! To finish it means to be through with it, to kill it, to rid it of its soul – to give it its final blow; the most unfortunate one for the painter as well as for the picture.” – Pablo Picasso

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” – Louis L’Amour

Yes, yes, yes!!! It is the beginning!!

*****

I really want to say thank you to all who have taken the time to stop in to this blog over the last 365 days. I sincerely appreciate the support. I especially want to thank MargOH!, Robert, Cogent Ascending, Ryan, Tammy, Glenn, both Sams, Joyce, Jeffrey, Jack, the Polish Punk Chick, Elizabeth and my dear Phoebe for following the blog and letting me know what you think…without that support I don’t know how far I would have gotten. I also want to thank my hubby B for the many years he has supported my pursuits and given me unyielding and unconditional encouragement – I love you, babe!!

Thank you all!!!!! I wish you all a brilliant, shining and exciting 2010!!!! See you soon!

364

2009-12-30T12:22:00.005-05:00

oddly enough one of the highlights of this holiday season was a christmas eve visit to the snow covered cemetary where all four of my grandparents are interred. it is in a quiet country location in the massachusetts town where my dad grew up.

it was at the very last of sunset on a mostly cloudy day - casting a peaceful, soft light and creating shadows over the stones and trees. the moon had been visible almost all day and it gave the scene an otherworldy feel.

after b and i drank a champagne toast to nana (my mom's mom who i was closest to and who passed in 2008) and pa over their stone (which also has my parents' names already engraved on the back as this is also their final resting spot - bizarre to see), we drove back to the entrance. in order for me to stop at my dad's parents' grave i had to run through an unplowed lane. it was so quiet and still that all i could hear was the crunch of my feet in the deep snow - like i was all alone in a snowglobe diorama.

it was strangely exhilirating and comforting...like i was a child again running through the woods at play and imagining all of these people roaming about in their ghostly forms.

it was a completely unexpected result of this visit.

and i will remember it for a long time to come.

363

2009-12-29T23:14:00.002-05:00

"in candys room, there are pictures of her heroes on the wall,
but to get to candys room, you gotta walk the darkness of candys hall,
strangers from the city, call my babys number and they bring her toys,
but when i come knocking, she smiles pretty, she knows i wanna be candys boy,theres a sadness hidden in that pretty face, a sadness all her own
from which - no - man - can keep candy safe
we kiss, my hearts pumpin to my brain
the blood rushes in my veins, when i touch candy's lips,
we go driving, driving deep into the night,
i go driving deep into the light, in candys eyes
she says, baby if you wanna be wild,
you got a lot to learn, close your eyes,
let them melt, let them fire,
let them burn
cause in the darkness, there'll be hidden worlds that shine,
when i hold candy close she makes the hidden worlds mine,
she has fancy clothes and diamond rings,
she has men who give her anything she wants, but they dont see,
that what she wants is me,
oh, and i want her so,
i'll never let her go, no, no, no
she knows that i'd give
all that i got to give,
all that i want, all that i live,
to make candy mine
tonight"

- candy's room by bruce springsteen

362

2009-12-28T18:47:00.005-05:00

i would really, really like to be in a small cottage in the west end of provincetown, right now.

wood stove burning the cold of the cape winter evening away...

361

2009-12-27T20:40:00.003-05:00

the holidays have brought to me an intense awareness of impermanence.

360

2009-12-26T23:17:00.002-05:00

i'm missing things - connections.

359

2009-12-25T18:58:00.002-05:00

"by the time we had placed the cold, fresh smelling little tree in a corner of the sitting room, it was already christmas eve. after supper we all gathered there, and even grandfather, reading his paper by the table, looked up with friendly interest now and then. the cedar was about five feet high and very shapely. we hung it with the gingerbread animals, strings of popcorn, and bits of candle which fuchs had fitted into pasteboard sockets. its real splendours however came from the most unlikely place in the world - from otto's cowboy trunk. i had never seen anything in that trunk but old boots and spurs and pistols, and a fascinating mixture of yellow leather thongs, cartridges, and shoemaker's wax. from under the lining he now produced a collection of brilliantly coloured paper figures, several inches high and stiff enough to stand alone. they had been sent to him year after year, by his old mother in austria. there was a bleeding heart, in tufts of paper lace; there were the three kings, gorgeously apparelled, and the ox and the ass and the shepherds; there was the baby in the manger, and a group of angels, singing; there were camels and leopards, held by the black slaves of the three kings. our tree became the talking tree of the fairy tale; legends and stories nestled like birds in its branches. grandmother said it reminded her of the tree of knowledge. we put sheets of cotton wool under it for a snow field, and jake's pocket mirror for a frozen lake."

- passage from my anotonia by willa cather

358

2009-12-24T23:56:00.003-05:00

little one you are still with us
in our hearts all the time.

merry christmas

357

2009-12-23T16:05:00.002-05:00

everything that once was familiar is no longer familiar - it's a strange landscape but with all too familiar landmarks...home is a strange planet.

356

2009-12-22T21:55:00.002-05:00

"i buried him down by the river
'cause that's where he liked to be
and every night when the moon is high
i go there and weep openly
he and i were married
by this river 'neath this willow tree
and with god and friends witnessing it
he pledged his life to me
to me he was earth
and i rooted in his soil
i to he was sky vast and free
of the burdens from which he toiled
then one night a terrible fight
words spoken better left unsaid
with his wedding vows ringing in my ears
he gave his life to me
they say to love is to bury
those demons from which we all hide
but tonight by this river 'neath this willow tree
becoming one of earth and sky"

- to love is to bury, cowboy junkies

355

2009-12-21T17:19:00.006-05:00

the clock is ticking on another year, another decade
we age, we grow, we hurt, we learn (we hope)
things that matter don't anymore
we lose but we gain (a gain, again)
just 12 more trips around the moon
and a silvery poof of snow

354

2009-12-20T23:44:00.003-05:00

put the lights on the tree.

353

2009-12-19T21:33:00.004-05:00

"Come, let's go
snow-viewing
till we're buried."

- haiku by matsuo basho

let's see the world wholly and lose ourselves, shall we??

352

2009-12-18T23:54:00.002-05:00

"darling, when i leave a show it is the end."

- character of lily darnley in maurine dallas watkins' play "so help me god"

351

2009-12-17T23:57:00.002-05:00

5:30 AM - morning version of earlier photos

this image just reminds me of this song, called aspenglow, that was on a john denver christmas tape my parents played during the holidays when i was a kid. a gorgeous song, very simple lyrics, not much to it but so lush.

the first few lines evoke so many wonderful memories and feelings for me...

"see the sunlight through the pine
taste the warm of winter wine
dream of softly falling snow
winter's gold, aspenglow"

350

2009-12-16T22:25:00.002-05:00

"some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again."

- from my antonia by willa cather

349

2009-12-15T21:39:00.002-05:00

i love that images and postings from those on my facebook feed are sometimes in total, direct opposition...like people, places, words, thoughts, feelings, ideas that without a device like facebook would never be scrolling next to each other.

348

2009-12-14T09:38:00.003-05:00

i will continue working on my final project series even after term has finished.

loved the feedback i got from the class, ta and instructor. saw something in my work that i have yet to acknowledge...love that. made an other wise stressful and not so great day one in which i believed in myself and felt stronger than i have in a while.

347

2009-12-13T11:54:00.004-05:00

(iPhone)

"this guarded mode of existence was like living under a tyranny. people's speech, their voices, their very glances, became furtive and repressed. every individual taste, every natural appetite, was bridled by caution. the people asleep in those houses, i thought, tried to live like the mice in their own kitchens; to make no noise, to leave no trace, to slip over the surface of things in the dark. the growing piles of ashes and cinders in the back yards were the only evidence that the wasteful, consuming process of life went on at all."

- from my antonia by willa cather

346

2009-12-12T18:41:00.003-05:00

i don't care what cole porter says...i do get a kick from champagne.

345

2009-12-11T23:46:00.003-05:00

"hell jack, you know me, about the only travelin' i do is around the coffee pot lookin' for the handle."

- Ennis del Mar, character from Brokeback Mountain

344

2009-12-10T21:31:00.003-05:00

"happy, happy christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!"

- Charles Dickens

343

2009-12-09T23:53:00.001-05:00

my emotions, be they good or bad, have a way with...well, having their way with me.

342

2009-12-08T21:47:00.001-05:00

"suppose it topples over under its weight of bomb-shaped baubles? suppose it harbors wood-borers which will migrate to the furniture? there is something ghastly about a tree-its look of many-limbed paralysis, its shaggy and conscienceless aplomb-encountered in the open, let alone in the living room. at night, you can hear it rustling and slurping water out of the bucket."

- number 4 ("o tannenbaum") from john updike's the twelve terrors of christmas

341

2009-12-07T22:13:00.001-05:00

"Do you like me more than you don't like me or do you not like me more than you do?"

- the character of Geoffrey in "A Taste of Honey"

340

2009-12-06T16:15:00.003-05:00

sometimes when i most hate nyc and when i am most angry at the world, they both turn around and do something mushy that melts my ice block heart.

339

2009-12-05T15:26:00.003-05:00

"First winter rain--
even the monkey
seems to want a raincoat."

- 17th century Japanese poet Matsuo Basho

338

2009-12-04T21:30:00.003-05:00

i'm not comfortable with males unless i detect a healthy influence of feminine energy within them...weird.

337

2009-12-03T14:44:00.002-05:00

"optima dies, prima fugit"

"The best days are the first to flee"

good lord - how have i gotten to this point without having read "my antonia"?

gorgeous.

336

2009-12-02T20:15:00.003-05:00

ha!

"Actually, I'm not all that interested in the subject of photography. Once the picture is in the box, I'm not all that interested in what happens next. Hunters, after all, aren't cooks."

- Henri Cartier-Bresson

335 (The Final Month!)

2009-12-01T23:18:00.004-05:00

at the beginning of the final month of this year long journey - the first night of the final thirty one nights - and i quite literally have nothing to say!

334

2009-11-30T23:34:00.003-05:00

"I have been frequently accused of deliberately twisting subject matter to my point of view. Above all, I know that life for a photographer cannot be a matter of indifference. Opinion often consists of a kind of criticism. But criticism can come out of love."

- Robert Frank

333

2009-11-29T12:11:00.001-05:00

Listen . . .
With faint dry sound,
Like steps of passing ghosts,
The leaves, frost-crisp'd, break from the trees
And fall.

—Adelaide Crapsey, November Night

332

2009-11-28T10:16:00.002-05:00

i really need to figure it all out.

anyone have a map i can borrow?

331

2009-11-27T23:21:00.004-05:00

it is so difficult to shoot in very low light conditions. i am continually confronted with this and the fact that i generally hate flashes and prefer the aesthetic of natural lighting makes this challenge a difficult one to overcome.

that said i have decided to take as many opportunities to shoot in this situation so that i can evenutally master it.

this one was hard and clearly not my best work.

but the subject, at least, was very cooperative and cute as peach pie.

330

2009-11-26T08:52:00.002-05:00

stop.

take inventory.

you're thankful for more than you realize.

329

2009-11-25T10:14:00.004-05:00

no he can't read my poker face...

328

2009-11-24T18:39:00.003-05:00

"though i suppose it is possible to be gay and not know. in that case, am i gay? i've been an admirer of judy garland for years."

- adrian mole, creation of sue townsend

327

2009-11-23T23:45:00.001-05:00

"anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."

- Mr. Wilde

326

2009-11-22T18:31:00.001-05:00

death really brings out the hypocrite in all of us...

325 (40 days left!!)

2009-11-21T20:04:00.003-05:00

“Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring.”

- Edward Gorey

324

2009-11-20T23:04:00.004-05:00

after spending 3 hours in a darkroom i am...

323

2009-11-19T18:42:00.002-05:00

“Here I am trying to live, or rather, I am trying to teach the death within me how to live.”

- Jean Cocteau

322

2009-11-18T22:38:00.002-05:00

“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.”

- Mr. Wilde

321

2009-11-17T23:25:00.003-05:00

i learned last night that a friend with whom b and i were very close (to both he and his partner) during our providence years died very suddenly of a massive heart attack yesterday morning.

i’m stunned. the guy was only 40.

we had a falling out not long after i moved to nyc. they went in one direction, one that we felt wasn’t something we wanted for our lives and as a consequence we had a rather nasty end to our friendship.

but before that happened we did have some wonderful times. we shared many laughs and many happy moments that will forever live on in my memory and within our photo albums and stories. for two years solid i think we saw them just about every weekend and in the summer spent full weeks with them down in provincetown – often doing up marvelous and campy drag and going to events and clubs (i went through a drag phase – my form of expression for a while), a quartet always attracting attention.

in the last couple of years we did make amends. not that we ever hung out again but certainly on the rare occasion we saw each other it was always polite and pleasant – the past buried, regretably the good along with bad.

i’m sad over this news. i’m sad for his partner – i cannot imagine what he must be feeling…the loss, the missing piece. that’s primarily what I have been stuck on since b told me the news. what must he be feeling??? when did they have their last conversation? their last moment alone? what did they say? a week ago they didn’t know how little time they had left and now it is over. it breaks my heart for him and also because it’s something we all could be faced with – i could be faced with…

sometimes we just have no idea that a frying pan is about to slam us flat on in the face, you know?

i’m sad because somewhere in the back of my mind i think i thought we would all reconcile when the day comes b and i move back to providence and of course now…that won’t happen.

don had a wicked and wonderful sense of humor and a brilliant creative mind that came out best in his drag creations often making his own clothes and designing brilliant pieces of jewelry to go with the elaborately coiffed wigs. he could be cutting but if he was on your side he could also be very generous and giving. i experienced both sides of the coin. i choose to focus on one side of the coin although to deny the other would be to deny the person he was and that’s something i don’t like to do.

i will miss him even though he hasn’t been a physical presence in my life for several years.

i continue to send my thoughts and meditations to his partner frank and to don’s family and friends. may they all find strength in their shared loss, shared love and in their memories.

320

2009-11-16T23:19:00.002-05:00

you just never know what you will find when you leave the house in the morning, do you?? sort of a lesson in inspiration...walk out the door with open eyes and open ears and open heart each day because you don't know what is around the corner!

319

2009-11-15T20:21:00.003-05:00

"Results are uncertain even among the more experienced photographers."

- Matthew Brady

318

2009-11-14T23:28:00.002-05:00

to err is...me.

forgiving me is divine.

317

2009-11-13T18:51:00.002-05:00

i feel like everything coming to me these days is in an abstract form.

my thought process is very fast and slightly confusing - ideas are so strong but so frequent that they collide with each other making it hard to really focus on ONE idea.

it's not a problem, per se...just...i don't know...new?

316

2009-11-12T17:46:00.003-05:00

some artists create to expose a greater truth, their own or that of society, while other artists create to impress other artists.

why can't we have more of the former and less of the latter?

315

2009-11-11T22:35:00.003-05:00

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

- from The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows"

314

2009-11-10T19:10:00.002-05:00

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street

It's a magic carpet ride
Every door will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame street...
How to get to Sesame Street
How to get to...

happy anniversary, old friends!! you gave me more than you could ever imagine and will forever hold a special place in my heart and soul...bless jim henson and the children's television workshop.

313

2009-11-09T23:46:00.002-05:00

next stop? happyville! joytown! all aboard!!

312

2009-11-08T19:59:00.003-05:00

today was one of those days where i felt i didn't belong. where i felt the frightening realization that i am all alone on this journey.

most of the time i don't have to face this - i'm surrounded by support and love from family, friends, whomever. caught up in vocation, avocation.

but sometimes, on those days where the support system fails or when i realize the great, gaping cracks that exist in the support system (or heaven forbid that the support system is merely a ghost), i am slapped very hard across the face with the stinging, stinking reminder that nothing i will ever do can change the fact that i am always alone. even amongst crowds of others, i am always alone.

we are always alone and that is a truth. we are born alone and we will die alone. you don't have to like it or even agree to it but it is a truth.

it doesn't always have to mean we are lonely or even aware of this aloneness - just today i was.

311

2009-11-07T09:17:00.005-05:00

i had a dream last night that i was in my grandmother's apartment, walking around and holding and petting kiawah, her warmth pressing into my side.

i put her down carefully and she ran off as nana asked me something from another area of the apartment.

i went into her kitchen and opened the fridge door and there was nothing in there. the shelves were bare save for two unidentifiable containers.

i choked back a gasp and made my way to the other room where b was.

"she's preparing to die. she's cleaning everything out because she knows she is dying."

"no" he said "she probably just hasn't gone to get groceries"

"no, she's preparing the die. i know it"

and then i broke down sobbing uncontrollably because i knew it was true.

310

2009-11-06T17:59:00.003-05:00

i'm feeling cheeky today.

309

2009-11-05T19:48:00.003-05:00

you know people just need to start letting other people live their lives. the world has become a nasty place to be...

308

2009-11-04T18:43:00.003-05:00

"The creative act lasts but a brief moment, a lightning instant of give-and-take, just long enough for you to level the camera and to trap the fleeting prey in your little box."

- pioneer Henri Cartier Bresson

307

2009-11-03T18:40:00.002-05:00

"each candidate behaved well in the hope of being judged worthy of election. however, this system was disastrous when the city had become corrupt. for then it was not the most virtuous but the most powerful who stood for election, and the weak, even if virtuous, were too frightened to run for office."

- Machiavelli, and oh so appropriate in New York City this day...

306

2009-11-02T23:35:00.003-05:00

never doubt yourself.

305

2009-11-01T16:37:00.003-05:00

"my answers are inadequate
to those demamding day and date
and ever set a tiny shock
through strangers asking what's o'clock;
whose days are spent in whittling rhyme-
what's time to her or she to time?"

- dorothy parker

BOO!!!! - 304

2009-10-31T17:49:00.003-04:00

"I dont see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look all around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see."

- my third favorite Peanuts character, Linus van Pelt from It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

303

2009-10-30T22:42:00.003-04:00

"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people."

- from philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer

302

2009-10-29T18:25:00.002-04:00

"I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them."

- Henry James

301

2009-10-28T19:20:00.003-04:00

"But I miss you most of all
My darling
When autumn leaves
Start to fall

Since you went away
The days grow long
And soon I'll hear
Old winter's song

But I miss you most of all
My darling
When autumn leaves
Start to fall"

- from Autumn Leaves, lyrics by the great Johnny Mercer

300

2009-10-27T09:47:00.002-04:00

"Look and think before opening the shutter. The heart and mind are the true lens of the camera."

"Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness."

- both attributed to Yousuf Karsh, brilliant, legendary portrait photographer

299

2009-10-26T23:58:00.007-04:00

my contact sheet and prints from the roll i processed last week came out horrible tonight.

i'm not angry or sad with myself but i am a little overwhelmed with information and the awareness of the knowledge and skill i don't yet posses. of course i will get better and i will learn more but as with anything you are new to or only minimally familiar with there is a learning curve - it takes time. i will allow myself that. but it won't stop the swirl of confusion and frustration as i move along.

the main issue i am facing at the moment is that i feel that my creative vision is really strong and i know what i want but my technical knowledge is limited and my comfort level with film has all but dropped into the red since all i have used for years has been digital. so i have to accept, wholeheartedly, a tearing down to make way for a building up. and we all have experienced how challenging that can be in any area of your life.

my photopsychotherapy?

298

2009-10-25T23:03:00.003-04:00

MRS. SLOCOMBE: Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I would like to complain about the state of our drawers. They're a positive disgrace.
MR. RUMBOLD: Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Our drawers. They're sticking. And it's always the same in damp weather.
MR. RUMBOLD: Really.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Miss Brahms could hardly shift hers at all just now.
MR. LUCAS: No wonder she was late.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: They sent a man who put beeswax on them, but that made them worse.
MR. RUMBOLD: I'm not surprised.
MISS BRAHMS: I think they need sandpapering.

****

MRS. SLOCOMBE: I inadvertantly dropped some perfume on my pussy and I had tomcats throwing themselves at my catflap all night.

****

MISS BRAHMS: Mrs. Slocombe, that man's been hanging round our underwear counter for the past ten minutes.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Oh dear. Do you think he's one of those?
MISS BRAHMS: One of what?
MRS. SLOCOMBE: A Bon Voyeur. Y'know, they're the people who look but don't touch.
MISS BRAHMS: Ooh, I've never been out with one of those.

297

2009-10-24T12:49:00.003-04:00

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere
Their tears are fillin' up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

Children waitin' for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world
A raunchy young world
Mad world

- mad world by tears for fears

296

2009-10-23T19:41:00.002-04:00

although i don't really know much more about him than his name (and some vaugue memories of him from 70's and 80's pop culture) when i heard Soupy Sales passed today i just knew I had to quote something from him.

in search of something i went on youtube and watched some of his clips and damnit it all if they ain't funny!

one in particular is a words of wisdom section from his show in the 60's. i particularly liked this one:

"Soupy Sez:

Show me a rooster chasing a Member of Parliment...

...

...

and I'll show you a chicken catch a Tory!"

;-)

295

2009-10-22T09:39:00.004-04:00

i must say - i regret saying i couldn't wait for this project to end.

i don't really feel that way. i suppose it was just the many emotions tumbling through my body right now.

i have loved doing this blog and the sense of purpose and comfort it has provided. this has been a very extreme year in terms of my emotional experiences and it continues to present challenges to me. but that only makes this more valuable and stronger in its statement to me.

i went back and read my very first entry, on december 23, 2008.

i have changed since then. and it is definitely due in part to the discoveries i've made here and the support i have gotten from a small group of very generous and lovely people, from 3d and from online. i cannot ever undervalue that and i sort of feel i did do that in my entry yesterday. i don't apologize for my emotion but i will apologize for not acknowledging you (you know who you are). thank you for being there throughout this.

i am no where near to discovering the true voice of the artist inside of me but i am definitely on my way and hope to be even closer by the time the bells chime in the first midnight of 2010.

294

2009-10-21T09:00:00.003-04:00

i'm starting to get discouraged with this project.

truth be known i am eagerly anticipating its end come december 31.

i've started a non-digital, film photography program and starting to feel more inspiration from that and discovering what i truly have in my power, what i am able and going to learn and express.

i'm finally viewing photography as a second career choice. i'm still refining what form that will take but the possibilities and opportunities are endless. i'm purposely choosing to take this path and now learning what i need to do. i'm not letting a career "happen" to me again. i'm crafting it.

but with this blog project i think i took an awful lot on myself and expected a lot from myself. this isn't easy and places where i expected support i haven't gotten which makes it an often lonely and insulating experience.

of course the main objective was to prove something to myself but i also think it was about proving something to others as well. i do believe in myself and i have proved that i believe i have worth simply be beginning school again. but i still have many, many doubts about the way others think of me.

so in that respect i still have work to do. as discouraged as i have gotten i trudge on and look for the way through this, for certainly there IS a way.

i have a little over two months left.

let me get to working.

293

2009-10-20T20:07:00.002-04:00

"It has been the great fault of our politicians that they have all wanted to do something."

- Anthony Trollope

292

2009-10-19T23:02:00.002-04:00

"erotic films are when you use a feather. porn films are when you use the whole chicken."

- sean mcnamara, nip/tuck, season 1

291

2009-10-18T16:28:00.002-04:00

home...for now.

290

2009-10-17T22:11:00.005-04:00

"I often wonder
Is it so
All I am holding
Wants to let go
How could I manage
I don't know
I often question
Is it so
Life's contradictions
Tend to grow
Spawning the choices
And the woe
But, still somehow thrives this love
Which I pray I'm worthy of
Still somehow thrives this love
I often wonder
Is it so
The lessons of patience
Are learned slow
And earnings of labour
May never show
But, still somehow thrives this love
Which I pray I'm worthy of
Still somehow thrives this love"

- k.d. lang, still thrives this soul

289

2009-10-16T19:18:00.005-04:00

“There are weeks when I'll spank a lot, and other weeks I'll be apathetic and lonely and won't want to look at my cock."

- Mike Dirnt of Green Day

(i think this quote is hilarious for so many reasons...)

288

2009-10-15T15:13:00.003-04:00

children flying away in flying saucer shaped balloons. really, now? this would be a great maurice sendak book...

287

2009-10-14T17:02:00.004-04:00

something called "swamp juice" will make your legs do special but unpredictable things...

286

2009-10-13T19:02:00.006-04:00

Chip: That was a close one. Are you OK Dale?
Dale: Yeah. Luckily it landed on my head.

285

2009-10-12T22:57:00.004-04:00

"Don't be afraid of your freedom

Freedom!

I'm free to do what I want any old time
I said I'm free to do what I want any old time

I say love me, hold me
Love me, hold me
'Cause I'm free to do what I want any old time
And I'm free to be who I choose any old time"

- I'm Free by the Soupdragons

284

2009-10-11T08:56:00.003-04:00

i love being here alone together - its time away from routine and things that cause stress and anxiety - it allows us to be our truer, more authentic selves. we connect and fit as we should

i'm convinced that inspiration flows and motivation grows from the stripping away of that which doesn't fit into our lives or our selves...be that people, vocation, posession, idea...and with the removal of each ill fitting layer, we forever shine brighter and stronger.

283

2009-10-10T11:55:00.005-04:00

it's brilliant to be outside...even in well manicured neighborhoods the grass and the trees and the plants and the lizards and the birds are all real. they are life to me.

people are what can create repression and judgement and rigidity...but only if you let them - and i refuse to let them!

282

2009-10-09T10:55:00.005-04:00

breathe - to be free of the city and its sometimes toxic breath...it has taken me far and changed me for the best in so many ways and forever...but i wonder...is it time?

281

2009-10-08T22:59:00.003-04:00

i do believe that the sign on the door says:

"on vacation - will be back in 9 days"

i'm off again. hopefully i will post from the road but if not i still continue this experiment, photographing and writing each day whether posted in here that moment or when i get back.

peace and love for all!!

280

2009-10-07T22:40:00.003-04:00

there is something beyond here

there is something that is worth walking or even running towards...

279

2009-10-06T21:30:00.003-04:00

"The human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art."

- Leonardo da Vinci

278

2009-10-05T12:40:00.002-04:00

If you would sit
Oh so close to me
That would be nice
Like it's supposed to be
If you don't I'll slit your throat
So won't you please be nice
If you would hug your arms right around me
That would be snug
Like it's supposed to be
If we part I'll eat your heart
So won't you please be nice

Oh don't you love this romancing
Know that it's your life you're chancing
Isn't it nice
Now you've married me
Sugar and spice
Like it's supposed to be
If you go i'll get your dough
So won't you please be nice

Stop with your jazz oratory
I only listen to top forty
N'Sync rules
Isn't it nice
Together we'll always live
No sacrifice
We'll vote conservative
If you run I'll pull a gun
Give me head or you'll be dead
Salute the flag or I'll call you a fag
Oh won't you please be nice

- Nellie Mckay, "Won't U Please Be Nice"

277

2009-10-04T18:16:00.003-04:00

Kid on the street #1: "See, that's why I have this plan."

Kid on the street #2: "I know. But why can't you tell me what it is?"

Kid on the street #1: "Because I don't want to."

276

2009-10-03T19:24:00.003-04:00

"I had a handle on my sorrow
My composure was in order if not sufficiently intact
But every reminiscent echo brings a blow to chill my senses
And my heart quakes and tenses 'til those moments pass"

- Lone Justice "Wheels"

275

2009-10-02T12:10:00.005-04:00

(iphone)

i've been missing nana and kiawah a lot lately.

when they first died it was almost like those couple of months following, the period of grieving, served to keep them alive. people asked about them and i was given room and allowance to feel sad, depressed, angry, etc.

now it's come to a point where they haven't "died" but they are "dead". and being dead they are just not here anymore. i can't see or feel them in a physical sense any longer. the actual period of grieving following their death was easier than this because i could still feel a living connection to them - they were there and although different than before it was very much a live feeling to me.

and this part is where it has gotten a lot harder. because there is nothing left to say about their passing - no one wants to hear me moan and go on and i'm not sure that's even what i want to do. but each day i move further and further away from a world where they were living.

the memories are strong and their presence in my heart and in my life has never and will never be in question. but the pain of not being able to reach out to them any longer is sometimes overwhelming and the sadness i feel at not having these two souls in my life is a sadness i don't think will ever, ever go away.

274

2009-10-01T20:20:00.003-04:00

(iPhone)

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

- Dylan Thomas

273

2009-09-30T21:30:00.002-04:00

"I entered my park as 'Central Park, New York.' I have been hammering the streets of New York for a good many years. It is a dozen years, at least, since I have cast my fly in any water inhabited by anything of a finny character...I have not qualified for the Rocky Mountains. But I know I shall qualify, because the qualifications for the mountains, as I well know, lies inside of one, lies in the soul, and not in one's accomplishments. So it is that I, treader of dusty city streets, boldly claim common kinship with you of the plains, the mountains, and the glaciers,"

- quote from Robert Sterling Yard, a pioneer in the wilderness conservation movement

272

2009-09-29T21:14:00.002-04:00

"There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be."

- Willy Wonka

271

2009-09-28T21:50:00.003-04:00

"I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, sweetie, but it's me! Me! Me! Me!"

- Eddie Monsoon (a.k.a. Jennifer Saunders - Absolutely Fabulous)

270

2009-09-27T12:02:00.002-04:00

Someday - M People

The world is cold and times are bad.
Everytime I think about it, it makes me sad.
War and drugs are everywhere
and it's getting so hard to breathe the air.
But it doesn't have to be like this,
all the rancour and bitterness.
If we can just open our eyes
we can make this world a paradise.

Someday.
We'll live as one family in perfect harmony.
Someday.
If we all pull together we will all be free.

Someday (someday!)

Free from the pressure and the prejudice
(FREE FROM OPRESSION AND PREJUDUICE )
we can change it all with tenderness.
There'll be no void between black and white.
We'll be able to walk the streets at night.
I won't be fooled while someone dies of starvation,
the whole world will be my nation.
We will walk hand in hand.
I'll go to South Africa and be called woman.

Someday.
We'll live as one family in sweet harmony.
Someday.
If we all pull together we will all be free.

Mmmm, someday.
We'll all be free - mmmm, you and me.
Someday (someday!)
We will all be free, (someday) free, FREE!

Someday!
I wanna be
Someday!
Free!
Someday!
Free!
Someday!
Someday! (someday)
Someday!

Someday we'll all be free
Hmm,someday
we'll all be free...
Hey I wanna be free, free, FREE!

There'll be no ghettos, no addiction.
All today's troubles will seem like fiction.
We will walk hand-in-hand.
I'll go to South Africa and be called woman.

Someday (someday!)
Hey , I wanna be
Someday (someday!)
Free!
Someday...

269

2009-09-26T12:24:00.003-04:00

"I am a camera with its shutter open, quite passive, recording, not thinking."

- Christopher Isherwood

268

2009-09-25T19:01:00.002-04:00

i love t-shirts.

generally i prefer plain t-shirts.

i love white t-shirts but only in the summer can i succesfully get away with them. maybe this weekend i can wear one but soon it will be put away.

i wear t-shirts, colored of course, throughout the year. black is great as is blue.

i don't care for t-shirts with slogans or "funny" things written on them. i despise team t-shirts. all t-shirts should be fitted appropriately to the individual's body shape and frame - nothing is worse than seeing a huge t-shirt on anyone other than a teenage girl who is getting ready for bed or baby t on anyone.

i do have three t-shirts with prints on them. one from a restaurant in provincetown because i love the graphic, one from a graphic artist blog friend from italy that i adore and my latest a t-shirt simply saying

rrrr
aaa
ff
a!

i just love t-shirts.

267

2009-09-24T20:25:00.003-04:00

"Everybody has a purpose in life, even if it's just to serve as a really bad example."

i wrote this down some time ago because it just seemed like something i should write down.

i sometimes wonder if i am the really bad example? is that my purpose??

well - i know, i know - i am on a negative arc right now. i've decided that tomorrow i write positively - tomorrow when i again have this opportunity to say something to the world i will use it to put out what i want back - what i want for myself...