181

“Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring–it was peace.”

- Milan Kundera

180

"Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing."

- Arundhati Roy (writer of one of my favorite books of essay, "War Talk")

179

"The world is gradually becoming a place
Where I do not care to be any more."

- John Berryman

(This quote really has nothing to do with the photo - I just saw the final Broadway performance of August: Osage County and this was a quote used in the beginnning and I really, really liked it.)

178

“To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.”

- Henri Poincare (via the F train)

177

It's official.

The 70's and the 80's are definintely over.

176

Just back from a show out on Coney Island - tired, so tired.

Sleep now. Words later.

F train is fun - through the window - yields movie sets with stars galore at this time of the night.

175

right now i am not myself. i'm not sure i have been myself for a while now - but the tricky thing is that i am not so sure i even know what that means. i just know that things are off.

that doesn't have to be bad.

on the positive side of not being "myself", i am finding the joy more and more in moments. i'm wondering if maybe the last year plus has been teaching me that. that life is ticking away all the time and try as i may, the ticking cannot and should not be ignored.

if i don't appreciate this moment for what it is, what then do i have??

174

And you learn to love each moment and appreciate each day - it's the warmth when you hug your dog, the taste of key lime gelato and the sliver of sun shining through dark clouds - because they all remind you that no matter what, when, why or how joy is there waiting to be found.

It's up to you.

173

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."

172

rain - rain- rain -pain...

171

I have to make this the last time I use this iPhone app to take my picture for the day. It is really fun (and unlike my real toy camera - the Holga - it requires no film loading, etc.) but incredibly lazy and requires no skill beyond seizing an opportunity to capture an image that you find appealing. That won't make me a better photographer in the end now will it?

Anyway we went out walking today in the mist and rain - down by the Gowanus and came across so many interesting doors, alleys, walls, grafitti, etc. - made me mad that I had decided not to bring a camera. I loved this wall with the paint chips and different colors - it was bright and comforting in the quiet and darkness of the overcast, wet afternoon.

170

I'm certainly dating myself here but it just came to me how exciting it used to be to get my fresh copy of Dynamite in the mail in the 80's. Or Ranger Rick Magazine's colorful and beautifully detailed photographs all through its glossy pages. How exciting it was for the mail to come then!!!

And all those celebrities I used to write letters to - when their replies came through (whether from them or not) - incredible!

A fun memory...glad I thought about it...

169

(iPhone photo using an interesting toy camera app that devyn turned me on to)

“Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.”

- Snoopy

168

But isn't it amazing the things locked away in the recesses of our minds?

Experiences from times long forgotten, memories of lives lived before, feelings, thoughts...all tucked away ready to be called up at the sight of a face, smell of scent or note of a song.

167

"Don't know. Sorta feels good. Sorta stiff and that, but once I get going... then I like, forget everything. And... sorta disappear. Sorta disappear. Like I feel a change in my whole body. And I've got this fire in my body. I'm just there. Flyin' like a bird. Like electricity. Yeah, like electricity."

- the character Billy Elliot from the brilliant film "Billy Elliot" (one of my all time fave movies)

166

"Life is a series of surprises, and would not be worth taking or keeping if it were not."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

165

"If you want to see the girl next door, go next door."

- the glorious Joan Crawford

164

"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length."

- Robert Frost

163

Here comes the sun and I say...fuck yes.

162

(another iPhone pic)

Inexplicably, whenever we've taken Kiawah out here in the new hood, she is followed by several birds, sometimes up to 10 or 12 will be around her at one time. We've taken to calling her The Bird Whisperer.

They stare at each other, dance around each other and then eventually the birds fly off. Today one landed on the gate next to our stoop and stared down on her. Watching briefly before moving on.

Maybe they know she is sick? Maybe there is some unspoken pact she has made with them. Maybe this is some sort of watchful eye from those not in our plane of existence watching out for our lovely little one as she travels on the path from one plane to another.

Maybe it's simply that the birds associate dogs and more specifically those who walk with them as a source for food (bread crumbs thrown, etc.)?

Who knows for sure?

I choose to believe in the former. It gives me comfort and fortifies my faith - my confusing, unidentifiable faith.

161

"At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore."

- Sandra Bernhard (and I say AMEN! SHIT! Tell it sista!)

She killed tonight at Town Hall. Loved the show. Marianne Faithfull wanted to come but her "credit cards weren't working".

160

"Life would be so wonderful if we only knew what to do with it."

- Greta Garbo

absolutely spot on brilliance...

159

good grief.

158

(taken with iPhone - battery went dead - rather needs recharge - on me in my primary cam of choice these days)

How horrible is it that I find myself getting rather melancholy whilst the TONY's are on?

I get this nagging and horrible, horrible ache in my soul. An ache that whispers to me of the failure in having not given my all in the pursuit of my life's true dream. And what makes this worse is that no matter what declarations I make or what promises I make to leave this all behind, silly dreams, I just can't. Or I haven't.

And I don't know that I want to - but I don't want them to hurt me either.

I'm not sitting here suicidal in the dark lamenting the loss of youth - I guess it's more of the younger me - still insides, still alive, still fighting - expressing its sadness and disappointment in our failure to not have given it a real chance. And I don't think that would exist even if I were still in this same place and still not a working actor IF I had really given it a shot and done what I always should have and intended to do.

A pickle, no?

Well, anyway, there are chapters of my life still to be written and who knows what they contain? I suppose rather than let the "what ifs" drag me down I should allow them to energize and propel me towards the realization of my potential.

I shall try!!!

157

SO I am knee deep in my fascination with Charles Schulz, currently in the middle of David Michaelis' biography.

This quote today addresses at least to a degree what I struggle with as someone who feels a pull toward faith but find it hard to reconcile with the harm that "overly organized" churches have done to the world.

CMS, a deeply spiritual Christian who earlier in his life had identified as evangelical, later(in 1975) stated this:

"I am fearful of an overly organized church and I am very fearful of a church which equates itself with Americanism, a frightening trend: people who regard Christianity and Americanism as being virtually the same thing."

156

I came across this quote in the Schulz biography. I really love it - and it can be applied so perfectly to those people we saw sitting on the subway this evening, centimeters apart, banging away on their Blackberries, lost in their little handheld devices, pushing them further apart than television ever could have dreamed.

"Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome."

- T.S. Eliot

155

all it takes is the right click to open the door.

and it doesn't hurt to have a mon-key either.

154 (one day late!)

honk.

153

"where do we go from here
now we’re all so consumed by fear
i’m trying not to be suspicious to those I’m suspicious of
I’m trying to crack open this angry heart
and find a little love
instead of worry, worry, worry
caught in and endless maze
when the lights go out
all that i can think about
is how we’ve seen better days
when the lights go out all that i can dream about
is how we’ll see
better days"

- from "Better Days" by Amos Lee

152

Just when I thought my misanthopic streak couldn't get any stronger living in this City - I move to a place where I must take the subway every day.

People are idiots.

People are ridiculously slow and cripplingly overweight.

Those are the things I observed on the F today.

Oh and the guy screaming his head off at ragged intervals and punching the side of the subway car this morning.

Yes humanity is beautiful through my lens this Monday.