90 - Month Three Ends!

I don't know what it is lately but I am fascinated with photographing people in motion. I love focusing on one body part and trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to freeze that while the rest is moving along to wherever they need to be.

Key to this has been to NOT capture their faces - keep them anonomyous. Part of this came from being a little intimidated about street photography but has grown into something that I actually prefer because it keeps them more relatable to me and hopefully to the viewer as well - does that make any sense?

I think this all about what my friend/artist Glenn Fischer mentioned in one of his comments to me...it's the mystery. The untold story of who they are and what their destination is and in turn who WE are and where we are going.

Anyway not trying to analyze this too much.

I just like these shots. This one is not the best of the lot (I have tons of them) but still I do like it. I love the stillness of the guy in the middle's right leg and the clarity of the pink swoop on his sneakers.

89

I don't know that I will ever truly figure life out. Even if I live into my 80's and 90's like my grandparents did into theirs.

But sometimes early on a Saturday morning when the world is just waking, as my husband is snoozing in bed and my dog is awaiting her breakfast, the coffee pot begins to gurgle and glosh the first signs of salvation and I realize...this IS Life.

This is living.

There is no secret.

It just IS.

88

Not much to say today. I'm pretty exhausted and just feel spent.

This photo is through a window out over a construction site.

Looking out the window of my friend's apartment in Brooklyn there are some pretty expansive views - mostly of old factory buildings and construction sites. Very industrial which sometimes inspires me and other times depresses me.

I think this time it was depressing. It reminds me a lot of this book I read a while back called House of the Scorpion by Nancy Farmer although I don't know exactly why. I'm thinking that it must be the feeling of desolation in the scene and the book that I must connect.

87

The party's over, it's time to call it a day...

86

I'd sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of having you near
In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear

Don't you know you fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, wake up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
cause I've got you under my skin

from "I've Got You Under My Skin" and the brilliant Cole Porter

85

Whilst the rain in the city can be a real pain in the ass...I love the beautiful reflections on and from the slick road.

Especially as the afternoon draws to a close and the evening is beginning - it really is magical to me.

84

"I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can."

- Lucille Ball

83

If I could give a piece of advice to my younger self it would have to be to measure thoughts and words very carefully.

Realize that some things said or done in the heat of the moment can stay with you forever. A single word can reverberate through a lifetime catching you off guard on a chilly day, filling you with sadness and regret.

82

I've been bubbling with anger and frustration for several days now.

I think I am not engaged enough. I think I may be bored.

I have been putting off a return to schoool, both university and photography, for a while now. I can blame some of it on finances but if I'm being honest it has more to do with other, less concrete, factors too complicated to get into in here at the moment.

I also am not pushing myself to pursue any projects at the moment.

The cold is depressing me and letting me easily slip into hibernation but I need to let that excuse go.

I think it's time to light a major fire under my own ass.

81

"They didn't know it was the last time they would all be together, or they might have lingered."

- from Wicked by Gregory Maguire

80

I wish I knew what was causing me such writer's block lately!

I think of things I want to talk about, some relating to my art, some just generally about life and experience but somehow...the route between my brain and my fingertips is unnavigable and I end up sitting here staring at a picture with no words.

I love being able to dip into the words of wisdom from some of the people I admire as a way to express myself but honestly it would be refreshing to use my own for a change.

In any case, today's words of wisdom/crazy come from Royce:

"Darling without an orchestra how in the devil can one sing?"

79

The only thing normal, these days, is abnormality.

78

I'm really looking forward to exploring some things that have been floating around my mind over the last few days.

Certain topics, mortality for one and diversity in places you'd never expect for another, are ones that require far more thought and energy than I have today.

But I'm working on it.

Maybe it will come out in my photos instead.

I never know what will happen and I suppose that's just the way it is suppose to be.

77

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

- Gandhi

76

As energizing as a few days away in beautiful sunny and warm weather with laughs and conversations and thoughts and unique experiences all running free and unrestricted - the cold slap of NYC still in winter mode is as harsh.

75 (back to the one day late thing but I'm home now so this shouldn't be an issue until I am away again)

1 frisky
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): frisk·i·er; frisk·i·est
Date: circa 1500
inclined to frisk : playful; also : lively
as in: "whisky makes me frisky"

74 (on time)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

73 (still one day late!!)

1 shank

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English shanke, from Old English scanca; akin to Old Norse skakkr crooked, Greek skazein to limp
Date: before 12th century
1 a: the part of the leg between the knee and the ankle in humans or the corresponding part in various other vertebrates b: leg c: a cut of beef, veal, mutton, or lamb from the upper or the lower part of the leg : shin — see beef illustration
2: a straight narrow usu. essential part of an object: as a: the straight part of a nail or pin b: a straight part of a plant : stem , stalk c: the part of an anchor between the ring and the crown — see anchor illustration d: the part of a fishhook between the eye and the bend e: the part of a key between the handle and the bit f: the stem of a tobacco pipe or the part between the stem and the bowl g: tang 1 h (1): the narrow part of the sole of a shoe beneath the instep (2): shankpiece
3: a part of an object by which it can be attached: as a (1): a projection on the back of a solid button (2): a short stem of thread that holds a sewn button away from the cloth b: the end (as of a drill bit) that is gripped in a chuck
4 a: the latter part of a period of time b: the early or main part of a period of time <11 p.m. on the East coast is merely the shank of the evening on the West coast>
5slang : an often homemade knife

72 (one day late!!!!!)

1 rus·tle

Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): rus·tled; rus·tling
Etymology: Middle English rustelen
Date: 14th century
intransitive verb
1: to make or cause a rustle
2 a: to act or move with energy or speed b: to forage food
3: to steal cattle
transitive verb
1: to cause to rustle
2 a: to obtain by one's own exertions —often used with up b: forage
3: to steal (as livestock) especially from a farm or ranch

71

I felt small.

I walked past a young woman who looked so lost, downtrodden and despondent for someone so young.

My heart really ached as I looked into her eyes.

It reminded me, quite sharply, that there are people in this world that will never experience love of any sort. I'm not saying this girl specifically, maybe she was just going through a bad day or week or something, but if not her then there are many others.

I felt small because I take so much for granted and complain about things in my life but...I'm surrounded by love, love of all kinds.

And I should never overlook what that means. It means that I've seen the beauty in life and I know what CAN be even when it isn't immediately obvious. It means that even in the darkest times when I feel isolated and scared and alone...in a very real way that transcends the physical world, I'm never alone.

70

I've packed.

I've been clipped, buffed, cut and worked over.

Toenails, fingernails and all hair - in control.

It's time for vacation.

69

"Over the years, Chrysler chief Lee Iacocca often heard colleagues express their pride at having worked so hard that they had failed to take a vacation.

Iacocca's response?

'You dummy. You mean to tell me that you can take responsibility for an $80 million project and you can't plan two weeks out of the year to go off with your family and have some fun?' "

- from anecdotage.com

I'll be on vacation from Thursday through the following Tuesday. I am not sure how I will handle my daily photo and journal promise. I know I will be taking photos all the time but the problem is how I will post them.

Maybe I will do a bunch before or after the trip? Not sure.

Or maybe I will write a journal entry on paper daily and then post the daily photo with what I wrote for each day after the trip.

Eh. Who knows. But no matter what I will still keep the purpose and promise of this journal even whilst away.

68

My partner inspired me with his performance the other night.

He really stepped outside of his comfort zone and did something a lot edgier and daring than he has ever done before in his piece at Hypergender Burlesque.

And not only am I proud of him for that but more importantly I am thankful to him for energizing my own artistic fires.

67

In spite of some rather troubling times - I managed, this weekend, to feel a sense of life and inspiration course through my soul.

I can't say it has been a sustained feeling but it was an indication that perhaps, just perhaps, there is cause to be hopeful.

Spring?

66

The great actor Charles Laughton said to the even greater actor (in my opinion) Bette Davis as she voiced concern over her ability to play Elizabeth I:

"One must always attempt the improbable if one is to grow as an artist"

I think this is brilliant.

The improbable is almost always intimidating and almost always terrifying and almost always there is a chorus of naysayers looking to drag you down. But if you can conquer those factors, no matter whether you actually succeed or fail, you will most definitely grow both as an artist and as a human being.

65

It’s a unique role to be someone witnessing a loved one struggle with disease.

You cannot possibly expect to know what they are feeling or what the experience is like if you haven’t been through it yourself. And finding the right words never seems possible. It probably wouldn’t take away their fear or anxiety anyway. And the crystal ball that you wish you had, the one that will be able to confirm that everything WILL be alright...it just doesn't exist.

And the disease, let's say cancer, is random and as violent as any criminal out there. Except that criminals can be traced and apprehended and once they have committed their crime they usually leave the scene. Disease, cancer, lives inside and you walk around with it every single moment. You cannot escape from it. Even the things that are supposed to help you often make you feel worse than you could ever imagine feeling, worse than the disease itself. And the treatments involve not only taking things away from you psychologically or emotionally but also physically. Changing your body and making you feel completely ravaged and maimed.

And you try to imagine that feeling of knowing that you will never again be the person you were before, even when you can say "I survived". Imagine that it is like a bad dream from which you cannot seem to rouse yourself. Imagine that you believe in survival and in fighting but you don’t believe that things will ever be the same again or that the fear will ever truly go away. Imagine that the monster in the closet has reappeared from your childhood except it is more ghoulish and grotesque and real than you could have ever imagined.

Watching this happen, knowing that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make it better…how do you do that? How do the kids and partner and parents and family and friends, the people with whom there is love and history and future chase a little of the uncertainty and the pain away? Surely we all would take a little piece of the disease and each share in the struggle, the hurt, the pain. But that’s impossible because it is a lonely and solitary struggle even in the midst of all the love and all the support in the world. And as a witness you already know that…no matter how you react or how you handle it, you already know there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can do.

So you choose to listen or just be there. Try to act as normal as possible in the face of something completely abnormal and scary. And hope that when the time comes to do something that does make a difference you recognize it and fulfill the role to which you have been assigned.

And you accept that is all you can do.

64

"Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one."

~ Stella Adler

63

"Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."

~ Dorothy Parker


"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it."

~ Truman Capote

62

I am so glad that I did not have a run in with a production assistant.

Only next to brokers in my list of favorite people in New York City.

61

I'm tired of winter. Tired of the cold.

I want warmth and life and renewal.

I want it for all of us.

60

I experienced a very emotionally painful evening last night.

As a result of some really insensitive, uncaring and cold hearted people a memory from high school came back to me and I quite literally felt as though I were seventeen again.

And seventeen was not a good year for me.

It's so amazing how we protect ourselves from ourselves in different ways. Blocking memories for instance.

The memory was of sneaking my lunch into the janitor's cloest everyday to eat by myself because I had no friends left and I wanted to avoid some of the shit tossed at me in the cafeteria. I also was desperate to spare myself the humiliation of eating at a lunch table alone. Same reasons why I avoided the prom and other related activities of that senior year. I recall not wanting to attend graduation as well but my parents vetoed that idea.

Anyway I had forgotten that janitor's closet bit until last night.

Some very nasty queens reminded me of it and reminded me just how vicious we all can be to each other and how much pain that can inflict on other people.

And you know something? It's bullshit.

I don't care how much pain you yourself are in it is not an excuse to do the same to anyone else.

Period.

I know plenty of people who've experienced pain, some unfathomable pain, but not forced that onto others. It can be done and it is for each and everyone one of us to take responsibility and face accept our pain and NOT pass it on to someone else...

I will once again protect myself. I am working very hard at finding ways to protect myself that do not shut out memories or block off parts of my past as well as prevent evenings like last night from effecting me so negatively and harshly.

And I sure as hell will not pass the pain along to other people no matter how badly it hurts.