365 - The End and The Beginning

I have finally reached the end of this road.

I’m still not certain of what I’ve accomplished.

I wish I had some brilliant philosophical way to wrap this whole project up. I wish I was able to say that I am confident that I am finally on the right life path and I have it all figured out. That I will leave my 30’s with clarity of mind and purity of intention – that I believe in myself wholly and now see what I must do to find fulfillment. But truthfully I can’t. And I suppose that wasn’t the intention of this anyway.

I can say is that I am happy I saw this through. I can also say that I am happy with many of the photos I took this year. I am happy that I see improvement and refinement in my style. I am happy I finally started formal education in this art form after so many years of it being a part of my life without me even noticing its significance in my life. I am happy that I became aware of the work of so many brilliant and amazing photographers that have come before and that are coming up…and realized that there is still so much more to discover! I am happy that I met new people. I am happy that I played a small role in making at least one person feel a little less stressed and anxious over the curveballs sometimes thrown at us in life. Most of all I am happy I did something for myself that turned out to be a good thing (thanks, Martha!).

At times this year was very, very trying. I really did want to give up many times. I had hissy, diva fits and found myself personally wounded when something I published and loved received no attention whatsoever. I found myself lost many times wondering what the hell I would photograph that day and what I would say.

I experienced the painful loss of a big part of my life while still trying to cope with a painful and significant loss in 2008. I’m not over either of them but I am learning to live with that and slowly trying to find a way to express that through my photography and give them the freedom they deserve. It isn’t about being over the losses it’s about accepting those losses and honoring the reason that the longing from those losses resonates even after months and years have passed.

I’m getting to know myself much better and I’m slowly, ever so slowly, learning what I have to do if I want to be that happier and fulfilled person I have always envisioned. There is so much work to do. I believe I can do it and I believe I WILL do it.

If nothing else that will be the most valuable gem gleaned from this project.

While pondering what I wanted to say in this last entry I did some reading and some research to help me along. I came across many passages and quotations that were very fitting and even in some cases inspirational but among these were two that I think really capture how I feel at this point:

"Woe to you the day it is said that you are finished! To finish a work? To finish a picture? What nonsense! To finish it means to be through with it, to kill it, to rid it of its soul – to give it its final blow; the most unfortunate one for the painter as well as for the picture.” – Pablo Picasso

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” – Louis L’Amour

Yes, yes, yes!!! It is the beginning!!

*****

I really want to say thank you to all who have taken the time to stop in to this blog over the last 365 days. I sincerely appreciate the support. I especially want to thank MargOH!, Robert, Cogent Ascending, Ryan, Tammy, Glenn, both Sams, Joyce, Jeffrey, Jack, the Polish Punk Chick, Elizabeth and my dear Phoebe for following the blog and letting me know what you think…without that support I don’t know how far I would have gotten. I also want to thank my hubby B for the many years he has supported my pursuits and given me unyielding and unconditional encouragement – I love you, babe!!

Thank you all!!!!! I wish you all a brilliant, shining and exciting 2010!!!! See you soon!

364

oddly enough one of the highlights of this holiday season was a christmas eve visit to the snow covered cemetary where all four of my grandparents are interred. it is in a quiet country location in the massachusetts town where my dad grew up.

it was at the very last of sunset on a mostly cloudy day - casting a peaceful, soft light and creating shadows over the stones and trees. the moon had been visible almost all day and it gave the scene an otherworldy feel.

after b and i drank a champagne toast to nana (my mom's mom who i was closest to and who passed in 2008) and pa over their stone (which also has my parents' names already engraved on the back as this is also their final resting spot - bizarre to see), we drove back to the entrance. in order for me to stop at my dad's parents' grave i had to run through an unplowed lane. it was so quiet and still that all i could hear was the crunch of my feet in the deep snow - like i was all alone in a snowglobe diorama.

it was strangely exhilirating and comforting...like i was a child again running through the woods at play and imagining all of these people roaming about in their ghostly forms.

it was a completely unexpected result of this visit.

and i will remember it for a long time to come.

363

"in candys room, there are pictures of her heroes on the wall,
but to get to candys room, you gotta walk the darkness of candys hall,
strangers from the city, call my babys number and they bring her toys,
but when i come knocking, she smiles pretty, she knows i wanna be candys boy,theres a sadness hidden in that pretty face, a sadness all her own
from which - no - man - can keep candy safe
we kiss, my hearts pumpin to my brain
the blood rushes in my veins, when i touch candy's lips,
we go driving, driving deep into the night,
i go driving deep into the light, in candys eyes
she says, baby if you wanna be wild,
you got a lot to learn, close your eyes,
let them melt, let them fire,
let them burn
cause in the darkness, there'll be hidden worlds that shine,
when i hold candy close she makes the hidden worlds mine,
she has fancy clothes and diamond rings,
she has men who give her anything she wants, but they dont see,
that what she wants is me,
oh, and i want her so,
i'll never let her go, no, no, no
she knows that i'd give
all that i got to give,
all that i want, all that i live,
to make candy mine
tonight"

- candy's room by bruce springsteen

362

i would really, really like to be in a small cottage in the west end of provincetown, right now.

wood stove burning the cold of the cape winter evening away...

361

the holidays have brought to me an intense awareness of impermanence.

360

i'm missing things - connections.

359

"by the time we had placed the cold, fresh smelling little tree in a corner of the sitting room, it was already christmas eve. after supper we all gathered there, and even grandfather, reading his paper by the table, looked up with friendly interest now and then. the cedar was about five feet high and very shapely. we hung it with the gingerbread animals, strings of popcorn, and bits of candle which fuchs had fitted into pasteboard sockets. its real splendours however came from the most unlikely place in the world - from otto's cowboy trunk. i had never seen anything in that trunk but old boots and spurs and pistols, and a fascinating mixture of yellow leather thongs, cartridges, and shoemaker's wax. from under the lining he now produced a collection of brilliantly coloured paper figures, several inches high and stiff enough to stand alone. they had been sent to him year after year, by his old mother in austria. there was a bleeding heart, in tufts of paper lace; there were the three kings, gorgeously apparelled, and the ox and the ass and the shepherds; there was the baby in the manger, and a group of angels, singing; there were camels and leopards, held by the black slaves of the three kings. our tree became the talking tree of the fairy tale; legends and stories nestled like birds in its branches. grandmother said it reminded her of the tree of knowledge. we put sheets of cotton wool under it for a snow field, and jake's pocket mirror for a frozen lake."

- passage from my anotonia by willa cather

358

little one you are still with us
in our hearts all the time.

merry christmas

357

everything that once was familiar is no longer familiar - it's a strange landscape but with all too familiar landmarks...home is a strange planet.

356

"i buried him down by the river
'cause that's where he liked to be
and every night when the moon is high
i go there and weep openly
he and i were married
by this river 'neath this willow tree
and with god and friends witnessing it
he pledged his life to me
to me he was earth
and i rooted in his soil
i to he was sky vast and free
of the burdens from which he toiled
then one night a terrible fight
words spoken better left unsaid
with his wedding vows ringing in my ears
he gave his life to me
they say to love is to bury
those demons from which we all hide
but tonight by this river 'neath this willow tree
becoming one of earth and sky"

- to love is to bury, cowboy junkies

355

the clock is ticking on another year, another decade
we age, we grow, we hurt, we learn (we hope)
things that matter don't anymore
we lose but we gain (a gain, again)
just 12 more trips around the moon
and a silvery poof of snow

354

put the lights on the tree.

353

"Come, let's go
snow-viewing
till we're buried."

- haiku by matsuo basho

let's see the world wholly and lose ourselves, shall we??

352

"darling, when i leave a show it is the end."

- character of lily darnley in maurine dallas watkins' play "so help me god"

351

5:30 AM - morning version of earlier photos

this image just reminds me of this song, called aspenglow, that was on a john denver christmas tape my parents played during the holidays when i was a kid. a gorgeous song, very simple lyrics, not much to it but so lush.

the first few lines evoke so many wonderful memories and feelings for me...

"see the sunlight through the pine
taste the warm of winter wine
dream of softly falling snow
winter's gold, aspenglow"

350

"some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again."

- from my antonia by willa cather

349

i love that images and postings from those on my facebook feed are sometimes in total, direct opposition...like people, places, words, thoughts, feelings, ideas that without a device like facebook would never be scrolling next to each other.

348

i will continue working on my final project series even after term has finished.

loved the feedback i got from the class, ta and instructor. saw something in my work that i have yet to acknowledge...love that. made an other wise stressful and not so great day one in which i believed in myself and felt stronger than i have in a while.

347

(iPhone)

"this guarded mode of existence was like living under a tyranny. people's speech, their voices, their very glances, became furtive and repressed. every individual taste, every natural appetite, was bridled by caution. the people asleep in those houses, i thought, tried to live like the mice in their own kitchens; to make no noise, to leave no trace, to slip over the surface of things in the dark. the growing piles of ashes and cinders in the back yards were the only evidence that the wasteful, consuming process of life went on at all."

- from my antonia by willa cather

346

i don't care what cole porter says...i do get a kick from champagne.

345

"hell jack, you know me, about the only travelin' i do is around the coffee pot lookin' for the handle."

- Ennis del Mar, character from Brokeback Mountain

344

"happy, happy christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!"

- Charles Dickens

343

my emotions, be they good or bad, have a way with...well, having their way with me.

342

"suppose it topples over under its weight of bomb-shaped baubles? suppose it harbors wood-borers which will migrate to the furniture? there is something ghastly about a tree-its look of many-limbed paralysis, its shaggy and conscienceless aplomb-encountered in the open, let alone in the living room. at night, you can hear it rustling and slurping water out of the bucket."

- number 4 ("o tannenbaum") from john updike's the twelve terrors of christmas

341

"Do you like me more than you don't like me or do you not like me more than you do?"

- the character of Geoffrey in "A Taste of Honey"

340

sometimes when i most hate nyc and when i am most angry at the world, they both turn around and do something mushy that melts my ice block heart.

339

"First winter rain--
even the monkey
seems to want a raincoat."

- 17th century Japanese poet Matsuo Basho

338

i'm not comfortable with males unless i detect a healthy influence of feminine energy within them...weird.

337

"optima dies, prima fugit"

"The best days are the first to flee"

good lord - how have i gotten to this point without having read "my antonia"?

gorgeous.

336

ha!

"Actually, I'm not all that interested in the subject of photography. Once the picture is in the box, I'm not all that interested in what happens next. Hunters, after all, aren't cooks."

- Henri Cartier-Bresson

335 (The Final Month!)

at the beginning of the final month of this year long journey - the first night of the final thirty one nights - and i quite literally have nothing to say!