I experienced a very emotionally painful evening last night.
As a result of some really insensitive, uncaring and cold hearted people a memory from high school came back to me and I quite literally felt as though I were seventeen again.
And seventeen was not a good year for me.
It's so amazing how we protect ourselves from ourselves in different ways. Blocking memories for instance.
The memory was of sneaking my lunch into the janitor's cloest everyday to eat by myself because I had no friends left and I wanted to avoid some of the shit tossed at me in the cafeteria. I also was desperate to spare myself the humiliation of eating at a lunch table alone. Same reasons why I avoided the prom and other related activities of that senior year. I recall not wanting to attend graduation as well but my parents vetoed that idea.
Anyway I had forgotten that janitor's closet bit until last night.
Some very nasty queens reminded me of it and reminded me just how vicious we all can be to each other and how much pain that can inflict on other people.
And you know something? It's bullshit.
I don't care how much pain you yourself are in it is not an excuse to do the same to anyone else.
Period.
I know plenty of people who've experienced pain, some unfathomable pain, but not forced that onto others. It can be done and it is for each and everyone one of us to take responsibility and face accept our pain and NOT pass it on to someone else...
I will once again protect myself. I am working very hard at finding ways to protect myself that do not shut out memories or block off parts of my past as well as prevent evenings like last night from effecting me so negatively and harshly.
And I sure as hell will not pass the pain along to other people no matter how badly it hurts.
3 comments:
Sometimes i have to laugh at my past.. the tragic episodes, the friendships gone south, abandoned, or actively withdrawn, the cruelty i unleashed or accepted from others. Laugh at it and make fun of it i say. I certainly would not say i seek out uncomfortable reconnections with past torture... but i'm not as afraid of it as i once was. I'm actually looking forward to a return to my college and a party that promises many encounters with the fun and games that were sometimes quite awful.
Do you think maybe the Nasty Queens were maybe just trying to help you laugh at it?
Sweet pea, just read your blog and made me feel for you!!! Really sorry that you were surrounded by all that toxic and gross energy; eeewwwh!!! I love you and think the world of you. You are loved and have a place where you are celebrated!!!! You creative spirit is important and matters and your love and generosity is profound!! And, may the walking wounded find some salvation to stop hurting others and find some healing love and compassion!
Guard - THANK YOU!! You're a valuable piece of my life, of both B and my lives, and I treasure your friendship precisely for the insight and support you demonstrate in this comment :-)
Sam - IDK - I laugh at a lot of things in my life, my past but then there are just certain things I will never laugh at nor feel the need to laugh at. For me it is just about accepting those things as Being there and nothing else.
And the NQ's? I just think they were nasty and bitter queens who try to make their pain everyone else's pain...I do not think their intent or function in my space was to educate me at all - they clearly don't have that ability - but I can choose to educate myself
:-)
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