59 - Month Two Ends!

"I know body hair bothers some women, but a lot of men like a fluffy partner."

- Dame Edna Everage

Yes well being married to a person who inhabits a female character in their art I've learned to appreciate this quote on many levels over the years.

Anyway...look at the mess they leave behind when they have shows to do? Granted if one has to find messes, glitter isn't the worse possible thing (and performing in a few burlesque shows myself in the last year I've left my own share) but nonetheless...

[PS - My facebook status at the moment reads: Jeff is soon off to a Golden Girls night at the Stonewall wearing a Golden Girls t-shirt, a sparkly scarf AND watching my husband do a geriatric Liza Minnelli skit. Maybe I AM a homosexual just like Mommy said...]

58

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

- "Closing Time" by Semisonic

This just has to be one of the most depressing and yet simulataneously uplifting lines in a pop song.

Ever.

57

It’s days like today, half cold of winter and half thaw of spring, that bring me back to last year.

Nana getting sick.

Visiting her in the hospice facility. The beautiful early spring weather, the vibrant colors and smells of awakening flowers, grass, trees and earth outside and the medicinal stuffy and choking smell of death and suffering inside. I associate the two now in some sort of odd and twisted marriage.

And for now…bizarrely I find some comfort in that…I would go back to those visits in a heartbeat.

I don’t think this will last forever. I should imagine (a phrase Nana actually used quite often that I’ve adopted – is it a colloquialism? I don’t know it’s derivation…) that one day I will simply smell the lush scents of seasonal renewal and not imagine the antiseptic, the bodily fluids, the bad and burnt coffee along with the sounds of the beeping life monitors, the look of the institutionally shiny hospital floors…the sad, resigned, often bewildered but strongly resolute look in Nana’s eyes.

But it will be a long time from now.

When that time does come I hope to embrace the sensory beauty of spring with the thoughts of better scents, better sounds and better days.

56

I realized this evening as I was on my daily "photo hunt" (this time it was a specific mission - as opposed to just carrying a camera with me everywhere - I went out walking around looking for things that caught my eye or piqued my interest) that I take digitally what is the equivalent of about 3-4 rolls a film a day.

And amazingly, with all of these photos, I am lucky to be able to come up with one image that I don't mind posting on here each day.

55

If I were to be given a selection of super powers to choose from...although it would be a tough choice to make...I think I would select the power to control time. Or at least the perception of time.

I would make the happy moments feel like a hundred years and the not so happy ones no quicker than a lightning bug's flash.

54

Ahhh...the sweet bird of youth...er, ok...would you buy the wooden fowl of senescence??

“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything; the young know everything.”

- Oscar Wilde

53

And then sometimes...you walk out of your building...and for reasons not obvious...someone, someone, has placed a neon pink Peep on the orange construction barriers that now reside in front of your building...and another someone, someone...has thoughtfully scattered bird seed...assumingly to feed the marshmellow chick.

52

"When the place is all dark(...)and I'm awake, it's like being alive and being dead at the same time, y'know? It's this sorta halfway thing, where people who are alive are dreaming and people who are dead are... where they are. And I'm here... in the dark and the quiet."

- Bobby from A Home At The End of the World by Michael Cunningham

51

I’ve thought about this before but it’s been coming back to me in varying degrees of clarity and sharpness as of late, most recently on the walk in to the day job this blindingly cold morning.

What happens when a dream you’ve based your life on becomes more of a nightmare? When it stays too long, doesn’t evolve, change or otherwise adapt and yet still continues to hold on to you and you to it?

The dream morphs into a wall. A blockade. It effectively seals off the potential of other dreams that could come true, doesn’t it? The dream haunts you instead of propelling you forward.

I’m not saying that I think my own dream/dreams are doing this to me but as someone who is constantly analyzing their life and accomplishments (or often the lack thereof) I can’t help but look to these questions and wonder.

I am not a believer in abandoning dreams because I do believe they serve a purpose. But I also believe that after a certain amount of time, if you are not feeling positive energy and inspiration from those dreams, you either have to let them die and mourn them or you have to seriously evaluate them and try to find a way to “make them over” into something perhaps a bit more on the realistic side.

I tend to feel that at least some of “my dream” needs to be made over. I don’t necessarily have to watch it die but I do need to maybe see the bigger picture through a different lens.

50

I just learned that my favorite teacher, one I had in high school, passed away two years ago this March.

I am a little surprised and of course very saddened by this news.

He was one of the handful of people I’ve had the privilege of encountering who took a sincere and vested interest in my life and the direction it would take.

He taught US history. His enthusiasm about the subject was legendary. But somehow, in spite of that enthusiastic teaching style and the admiration I had for him I still didn’t do very well that first term I had him.

He noticed this and took me aside one day. He told me he believed in me and knew I was a smart kid. He talked about my participation in the drama club and how talented he thought I was and wanted to see me “make it”. He gave me just the slightest bit more attention in class and encouraged a very shy and awkward fifteen year old me to speak up and participate.
Little by little I became excited about the subject myself. I wrote essays, I read chapters, I studied for tests. I even did extra credit! I became enamoured of one of his favorite books, A People's History of the United States.

I felt he cared about me.

For the first time in my high school experience I believed that a teacher was routing for me and not out to get me. If he had the level of confidence in my potential then how could I not have the same for myself?

It was powerful.

By the time the year ended I had an A average. Considering that I started out with a C minus it was nothing short of a miracle. And it happened through the hard work I put in because Mr. Paulhus took the time to encourage me and support me.

And the remarkable thing was that he did this for so many students. Year after year, student after student. Routing us on in class, coaching us in sports, guiding us in after school activities and cheering us on to our futures.

I remember after the horrible incident in my senior year (I was no longer in Mr. Paulhus’ class) he spent a good deal of time talking to me when student and teacher alike tended to avoid me. While he expressed disappointment in my role in the event he was appalled by the way I had been treated by the teacher and he wanted me to know that he was on my side. If I needed anything he was there. He didn’t have to do this but he did and I believe it was because he cared.
The very last time I saw him was when Bill and I still lived in Providence. It was the summer although I don’t recall the year – possibly 1996 or 1997. I stopped in to one of the big box stores to get some stuff and who did I run in to in one of the aisles? Mr. Paulhus. He was excited to see me and wanted to know everything that was going on. And he was still giving me advice and guiding me in our conversation. I left that meeting exhilarated and fortified.
He was an inspiration to me and to so many others. The way I learned this news, a Facebook page dedicated to him and with members ranging from alumni like me to the more recent students he had, is a testament to that inspiration and the impact he made on his students’ lives.
He will continue to influence our lives and in turn the lives of those around us. His legacy is truly a perfect example of the ripple effect. Never underestimate the power in reaching your hand out to another human being.

Thank you, Mr. Paulhus, you were a once in lifetime man and I am privileged to have known you.

49

"New York is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from."

- Fran Lebowitz

"The city is like poetry; it compresses all life, all races and breeds, into a small island and adds music and the accompaniment of internal engines."

- E. B. White

Let me apologize in advance for the SJP-esque moment I'm having today.

But it occurs to me just how deeply I love New York City and how truly difficult it will be to leave it one day.

I often say out loud "God I hate this City! I can't wait to get away from here!!" in my many moments of frustration or loss of sanity.

But I don't really mean it.

I'm not thrilled with some of what the City represents and lord knows I do not like many of the inhabitants of this island (but to be fair, as an ever so slightly border line misanthrope, I could probably make that claim no matter where I lived) but when push comes to shove...I'm pushing for this place.

I'm proud to be a resident of this place and to proclaim that I have survived and on occasion THRIVED in this place for ten years. I am a completely different person today because of this City. It is the foundation for the rest of my life and good or bad...I don't think I would have it any other way.

48

I'm feeling really dull and listeless.

Everything.

My complexion.

I'm hating my haircut. I broke my glasses two weeks ago and have been wearing a pair I had about 5 years ago and detest them.

I am physically exhausted for no apparent reason. It literally took every ounce of my being to drag myself to the gym tonight.

I am not finding the joy in exploring images and creating new perspectives or simply capturing anything that interests me.

I'm sick to death of cold-ish, sort of bright but sort of gray and snowless winter days.

Basically I think I have some sort of bleak mid-winter blues. Not depression so much...actually I am hoping that I don't have a depressive episode in the middle of this because something tells me it won't be pretty.

But I still try to find things that make me smile or happy, even if for a moment.

A sleeping dog's hind paw on a bright pink blanket. C'mon that's GOT to shake off the blues, if only for a bit.

47

Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.

Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie
Why does a chicken? I don't know why.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.

Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie
A fish can't whistle and neither can I.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.

- AA Milne by way of Winnie the Pooh

46

The earliest citation of mojito is 1931 and the drink was entitled Cuban mojo, meaning soul...mojito would then mean little soul.

Salut...

45

Weird thing.

This morning I was really foggy when I woke up. I didn't take any sleeping pills last night so it wasn't that - actually I thought I slept pretty well. Anyway I wasn't quite with it.

Usually the first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth. I mean before anything else I brush teeth.

So I go to the bathroom open the medicine chest with the intention of brushing my teeth.

But instead of putting toothpaste on my toothbrush I instead squirt it on to my...razor.

Seriously.

Luckily I snapped out of automatic before I actually put it in my mouth but it REALLY freaked me out. Not because I came close to doing it because I know it wouldn't have gone further but just the thought of someone running a razor over their teeth and in their mouth sent chills through my body and made me weak.

This shot was an attempt to find the humor in the situation whilst also weakening the power of the imiage in my mind. I can do better and actually may try to set up something better for a series at some point because I also started thinking of all sorts of weird and freaky things someone could brush their teeth with...hammer, screwdriver, comb, scissors, celery stalk...I'm making myself sick.

Happy Valentine's all...

44

"People who have good taste are bound to make a mistake now and then, because they're human, and when they do it's a horrendous one. It's so ugly you can't believe it. On the other hand people who have terrible taste are bound to make a mistake and buy something exquisite - and you can't possibly understand how that could happen"

- Joan Crawford

Several Christmases ago B gave me a wonderful gift. A signed edition of Joan Crawford's book "My Way of Life" from which I took the above quote.

It is a fabulous book. It has a lot of camp value. The way she wrote it is very conversational so you can actually hear her saying what you're reading.

Highly enjoyable. A sure way to make me smile and rassle up some creative inspiration is to slide it off the shelf and open up to any page.

43

"Animals are kinder to one another than we have been led to believe and nature has more space for people like us than we have been led to believe."

- Joan Roughgarden, author of "Evolution's Rainbow", biologist, transwoman and likely thorn in the dead side of Darwin

42

I love drinking seltzer.

I also love the belch immediately following.

It is good for all that ails the tum.

41

I love the feeling you get when you take one of those really big, deep down in your lungs, breaths and release it on a long exhalation with a sort of moan/sigh sound to accompany.

When done at the right time and done the right way the feeling reverberates throughout your body and it is amazing.

The tingle in your back and shoulders, the warm wave spreading out to your limbs, signaling the release of something toxic, even if only temporarily, is one of the true joys in life. The moment is made even better when you are in a beautiful place or with beautiful people but I can attest that it feels brilliant even when you are in dank office with people who can often appear like monsters.

40

We were waiting to enter the cabaret room and sipping our drinks. Very few, if any people were there yet when a very tiny, frail appearing old woman in a very sensible outfit with a very sensible and neutral colored purse came up to the bar and was served a hefty glass of wine. She smiled at us pleasantly and greeted us and then went back to her wine.

We sort of whispered to each other, debating about whether that was her or not. I think we finally agreed that it couldn't be and although we both love older people decided not to bother this woman.

We took our table in the room and the place began to fill. Soon there wasn't a seat to be had. The lights dimmed and slowly from the doorway strode the old woman from the bar...and took her seat at the piano situated at the front of the room and addressed the room in that famous voice sounding more like a little girl than an almost 80 year old woman.

From that moment on I was in love. The voice, her fingers moving across the keys of the piano, the weird and wonderful songs, the wit and wisdom in a note...the way she scolded audience members idiotic enough to make unnecessary noice or chatter during her shows...so much about Blossom Dearie made it easy to fall in love with her, the way love is supposed to be, warts and all.