For almost a year now I feel as though I have been on edge.
I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Something bad must be coming.
Over the last week the pup has had some strange things going on with her mouth. We thought perhaps it was a simple injury and switched her over to home made soft food in the hopes that it would correct. Well it didn’t so we called the vet and they said that it was likely an abscess or tooth issue and to bring her in this morning and they would take care of it.
Of course I am a mess because I am thinking about the absolute worse case scenario, imagining her dying, which although possible (possibly for any one of us at any time), doesn’t seem probable right now. Her behaviour, appetite and habits haven’t changed one iota with the exception of this mouth problem. There is really no logical reason for me to think the worst right now...especially not to the point of near emotional paralysis.
And this is my point…each time something comes up, no matter how small, I’ve been going to the extreme negative of what that could possibly mean. Some days I am literally sitting on the edge of my chair, back and shoulders clenched in anticipation of the “worst”. And frighteningly I don’t even consciously realize it until I become physically sick as a result.
So I think I’m going crazy because although I have had moments and even whole days where I feel relaxed and peaceful, it never lasts very long and as if someone has dumped a bucket of cold water over my head I am violently snapped back to “reality”. I chastise myself for letting my guard down because I do not want to be caught unprepared when the bad thing happens.
It’s horrible.
Yesterday I was speaking to a friend of mine about the pup and told her how I am constantly anxiety ridden these days. She shared with me that when her father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and subsequently struggled with it and ultimately died as a result she spent 5 years in the same state I have just described. Always worrying about when the next bad thing would happen. And I do not exaggerate when I tell you this is probably one of the nicest, most level headed, calm and intelligent people I have ever met in my life.
So it struck me that when you suddenly lose an important someone in your life or you are threatened with the loss of someone important you don’t recover from that over night or even over a year.
Grief continues to make its mark even when you are not crying everyday.
I’m still grieving. Grieving over the loss of Nana and grieving over the fact that my cousin has breast cancer and grieving over what those two events, happening so close to one another mean…
And I don’t want to lose Kiawah now even though I know it is an inevitability I am simply not ready and I cry as I type this because I don’t think I have even explained myself or expressed the way I have been feeling. I still think I am crazy and I still wish I could just be done with feeling this way.
I have to work for peace and calm but to be honest I don’t know how to do that right now. I work out. I do yoga. I do this project. I do the things one is supposed to do but still I’m not finding it.
I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Something bad must be coming.
Over the last week the pup has had some strange things going on with her mouth. We thought perhaps it was a simple injury and switched her over to home made soft food in the hopes that it would correct. Well it didn’t so we called the vet and they said that it was likely an abscess or tooth issue and to bring her in this morning and they would take care of it.
Of course I am a mess because I am thinking about the absolute worse case scenario, imagining her dying, which although possible (possibly for any one of us at any time), doesn’t seem probable right now. Her behaviour, appetite and habits haven’t changed one iota with the exception of this mouth problem. There is really no logical reason for me to think the worst right now...especially not to the point of near emotional paralysis.
And this is my point…each time something comes up, no matter how small, I’ve been going to the extreme negative of what that could possibly mean. Some days I am literally sitting on the edge of my chair, back and shoulders clenched in anticipation of the “worst”. And frighteningly I don’t even consciously realize it until I become physically sick as a result.
So I think I’m going crazy because although I have had moments and even whole days where I feel relaxed and peaceful, it never lasts very long and as if someone has dumped a bucket of cold water over my head I am violently snapped back to “reality”. I chastise myself for letting my guard down because I do not want to be caught unprepared when the bad thing happens.
It’s horrible.
Yesterday I was speaking to a friend of mine about the pup and told her how I am constantly anxiety ridden these days. She shared with me that when her father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and subsequently struggled with it and ultimately died as a result she spent 5 years in the same state I have just described. Always worrying about when the next bad thing would happen. And I do not exaggerate when I tell you this is probably one of the nicest, most level headed, calm and intelligent people I have ever met in my life.
So it struck me that when you suddenly lose an important someone in your life or you are threatened with the loss of someone important you don’t recover from that over night or even over a year.
Grief continues to make its mark even when you are not crying everyday.
I’m still grieving. Grieving over the loss of Nana and grieving over the fact that my cousin has breast cancer and grieving over what those two events, happening so close to one another mean…
And I don’t want to lose Kiawah now even though I know it is an inevitability I am simply not ready and I cry as I type this because I don’t think I have even explained myself or expressed the way I have been feeling. I still think I am crazy and I still wish I could just be done with feeling this way.
I have to work for peace and calm but to be honest I don’t know how to do that right now. I work out. I do yoga. I do this project. I do the things one is supposed to do but still I’m not finding it.
I want to put it into my art but I don't even know how to do that at the moment.
I’m not the only one to face this but that aside it is a very lonely state to be in.
I’m not the only one to face this but that aside it is a very lonely state to be in.
6 comments:
I'm sorry to hear about all the turmoil in your life, Catlow. When I find myself in a storm, I practice gratitude. I make it a point to stop focusing on the source of the negative and begin to focus on all that I can be grateful for life, even the smallest things, like "I'm grateful to have teeth," etc... It can be a positive approach to helping you with your situation. xo, j
Love you!
XO, B
Because we are human being, we are not able to turn on and off our emotion like a switch as sometimes we wish. But we can try and manage to release it instead of holding it. Everyone does it differently. I started to accept it, do my part in my control, try not to go back to drill on what I should have or should not have done. It is ok that I am not best looking or physique in the crowd. I cherish lives around me when they are alive and accept the rules of the Nature when they have to leave even though it is always very hard.
I like to let you know that you are not the only one that goes through this turbulence. You are few brave ones to share the dismissal experience. Showing weakness tells your inner strength. Just do not force anything and your mind well flows out in peace and calm.
Hey Catlow -- I didn't realize I could respond to your blog..duhh. As I look forward to reading it everyday :-). I agree with Jeff G. and his technique on dealing with turmoil. I guess we must practice staying in the present and practice being "grateful". As I said it takes practice and lots of it...for it to become part of who we are and how we think. But sometimes life experiences happen so fast that we are unable to apply what we know...One things for sure happiness is what we will constantly strive for as it's only temporary. We need to just take life one day at a time!
finding inner peace is like quitting smoking.
the first few weeks, months even, are going to feel like useless pointless forays into the world of needless irritation.
A person becomes so enamored of and acclimated to high stress and tense emotional responses that losing them or even actively releasing them as a way of responding can cause the mind to grieve.
But persistence will make your goal real and when you least expect it you will have the cold water moment but this time you will realize it's because you have attained the level of inner peace and emotional tranquility that is right for you.
That's key.
You may simply be more alert than others.
DOn't look to others to gauge how far you've come.
YOU WILL KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE SUCEEDED
;p
I really appreciate all of you for helping me through this process. Each of you, whether through brilliant advice (Guard I have been doing what you suggest each day) support (Steven and The IP - both of you made me feel so much better providing perspective that I hadn't seen) or just love (my wonderful partner whom I take for granted more than I should and my dear friend Kisha whom I MISS!) has helped me and I seriously cannot thank you enough...
Post a Comment