80

I wish I knew what was causing me such writer's block lately!

I think of things I want to talk about, some relating to my art, some just generally about life and experience but somehow...the route between my brain and my fingertips is unnavigable and I end up sitting here staring at a picture with no words.

I love being able to dip into the words of wisdom from some of the people I admire as a way to express myself but honestly it would be refreshing to use my own for a change.

In any case, today's words of wisdom/crazy come from Royce:

"Darling without an orchestra how in the devil can one sing?"

79

The only thing normal, these days, is abnormality.

78

I'm really looking forward to exploring some things that have been floating around my mind over the last few days.

Certain topics, mortality for one and diversity in places you'd never expect for another, are ones that require far more thought and energy than I have today.

But I'm working on it.

Maybe it will come out in my photos instead.

I never know what will happen and I suppose that's just the way it is suppose to be.

77

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

- Gandhi

76

As energizing as a few days away in beautiful sunny and warm weather with laughs and conversations and thoughts and unique experiences all running free and unrestricted - the cold slap of NYC still in winter mode is as harsh.

75 (back to the one day late thing but I'm home now so this shouldn't be an issue until I am away again)

1 frisky
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): frisk·i·er; frisk·i·est
Date: circa 1500
inclined to frisk : playful; also : lively
as in: "whisky makes me frisky"

74 (on time)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

73 (still one day late!!)

1 shank

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English shanke, from Old English scanca; akin to Old Norse skakkr crooked, Greek skazein to limp
Date: before 12th century
1 a: the part of the leg between the knee and the ankle in humans or the corresponding part in various other vertebrates b: leg c: a cut of beef, veal, mutton, or lamb from the upper or the lower part of the leg : shin — see beef illustration
2: a straight narrow usu. essential part of an object: as a: the straight part of a nail or pin b: a straight part of a plant : stem , stalk c: the part of an anchor between the ring and the crown — see anchor illustration d: the part of a fishhook between the eye and the bend e: the part of a key between the handle and the bit f: the stem of a tobacco pipe or the part between the stem and the bowl g: tang 1 h (1): the narrow part of the sole of a shoe beneath the instep (2): shankpiece
3: a part of an object by which it can be attached: as a (1): a projection on the back of a solid button (2): a short stem of thread that holds a sewn button away from the cloth b: the end (as of a drill bit) that is gripped in a chuck
4 a: the latter part of a period of time b: the early or main part of a period of time <11 p.m. on the East coast is merely the shank of the evening on the West coast>
5slang : an often homemade knife

72 (one day late!!!!!)

1 rus·tle

Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): rus·tled; rus·tling
Etymology: Middle English rustelen
Date: 14th century
intransitive verb
1: to make or cause a rustle
2 a: to act or move with energy or speed b: to forage food
3: to steal cattle
transitive verb
1: to cause to rustle
2 a: to obtain by one's own exertions —often used with up b: forage
3: to steal (as livestock) especially from a farm or ranch

71

I felt small.

I walked past a young woman who looked so lost, downtrodden and despondent for someone so young.

My heart really ached as I looked into her eyes.

It reminded me, quite sharply, that there are people in this world that will never experience love of any sort. I'm not saying this girl specifically, maybe she was just going through a bad day or week or something, but if not her then there are many others.

I felt small because I take so much for granted and complain about things in my life but...I'm surrounded by love, love of all kinds.

And I should never overlook what that means. It means that I've seen the beauty in life and I know what CAN be even when it isn't immediately obvious. It means that even in the darkest times when I feel isolated and scared and alone...in a very real way that transcends the physical world, I'm never alone.

70

I've packed.

I've been clipped, buffed, cut and worked over.

Toenails, fingernails and all hair - in control.

It's time for vacation.

69

"Over the years, Chrysler chief Lee Iacocca often heard colleagues express their pride at having worked so hard that they had failed to take a vacation.

Iacocca's response?

'You dummy. You mean to tell me that you can take responsibility for an $80 million project and you can't plan two weeks out of the year to go off with your family and have some fun?' "

- from anecdotage.com

I'll be on vacation from Thursday through the following Tuesday. I am not sure how I will handle my daily photo and journal promise. I know I will be taking photos all the time but the problem is how I will post them.

Maybe I will do a bunch before or after the trip? Not sure.

Or maybe I will write a journal entry on paper daily and then post the daily photo with what I wrote for each day after the trip.

Eh. Who knows. But no matter what I will still keep the purpose and promise of this journal even whilst away.

68

My partner inspired me with his performance the other night.

He really stepped outside of his comfort zone and did something a lot edgier and daring than he has ever done before in his piece at Hypergender Burlesque.

And not only am I proud of him for that but more importantly I am thankful to him for energizing my own artistic fires.

67

In spite of some rather troubling times - I managed, this weekend, to feel a sense of life and inspiration course through my soul.

I can't say it has been a sustained feeling but it was an indication that perhaps, just perhaps, there is cause to be hopeful.

Spring?

66

The great actor Charles Laughton said to the even greater actor (in my opinion) Bette Davis as she voiced concern over her ability to play Elizabeth I:

"One must always attempt the improbable if one is to grow as an artist"

I think this is brilliant.

The improbable is almost always intimidating and almost always terrifying and almost always there is a chorus of naysayers looking to drag you down. But if you can conquer those factors, no matter whether you actually succeed or fail, you will most definitely grow both as an artist and as a human being.

65

It’s a unique role to be someone witnessing a loved one struggle with disease.

You cannot possibly expect to know what they are feeling or what the experience is like if you haven’t been through it yourself. And finding the right words never seems possible. It probably wouldn’t take away their fear or anxiety anyway. And the crystal ball that you wish you had, the one that will be able to confirm that everything WILL be alright...it just doesn't exist.

And the disease, let's say cancer, is random and as violent as any criminal out there. Except that criminals can be traced and apprehended and once they have committed their crime they usually leave the scene. Disease, cancer, lives inside and you walk around with it every single moment. You cannot escape from it. Even the things that are supposed to help you often make you feel worse than you could ever imagine feeling, worse than the disease itself. And the treatments involve not only taking things away from you psychologically or emotionally but also physically. Changing your body and making you feel completely ravaged and maimed.

And you try to imagine that feeling of knowing that you will never again be the person you were before, even when you can say "I survived". Imagine that it is like a bad dream from which you cannot seem to rouse yourself. Imagine that you believe in survival and in fighting but you don’t believe that things will ever be the same again or that the fear will ever truly go away. Imagine that the monster in the closet has reappeared from your childhood except it is more ghoulish and grotesque and real than you could have ever imagined.

Watching this happen, knowing that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make it better…how do you do that? How do the kids and partner and parents and family and friends, the people with whom there is love and history and future chase a little of the uncertainty and the pain away? Surely we all would take a little piece of the disease and each share in the struggle, the hurt, the pain. But that’s impossible because it is a lonely and solitary struggle even in the midst of all the love and all the support in the world. And as a witness you already know that…no matter how you react or how you handle it, you already know there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can do.

So you choose to listen or just be there. Try to act as normal as possible in the face of something completely abnormal and scary. And hope that when the time comes to do something that does make a difference you recognize it and fulfill the role to which you have been assigned.

And you accept that is all you can do.

64

"Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one."

~ Stella Adler

63

"Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."

~ Dorothy Parker


"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it."

~ Truman Capote

62

I am so glad that I did not have a run in with a production assistant.

Only next to brokers in my list of favorite people in New York City.

61

I'm tired of winter. Tired of the cold.

I want warmth and life and renewal.

I want it for all of us.

60

I experienced a very emotionally painful evening last night.

As a result of some really insensitive, uncaring and cold hearted people a memory from high school came back to me and I quite literally felt as though I were seventeen again.

And seventeen was not a good year for me.

It's so amazing how we protect ourselves from ourselves in different ways. Blocking memories for instance.

The memory was of sneaking my lunch into the janitor's cloest everyday to eat by myself because I had no friends left and I wanted to avoid some of the shit tossed at me in the cafeteria. I also was desperate to spare myself the humiliation of eating at a lunch table alone. Same reasons why I avoided the prom and other related activities of that senior year. I recall not wanting to attend graduation as well but my parents vetoed that idea.

Anyway I had forgotten that janitor's closet bit until last night.

Some very nasty queens reminded me of it and reminded me just how vicious we all can be to each other and how much pain that can inflict on other people.

And you know something? It's bullshit.

I don't care how much pain you yourself are in it is not an excuse to do the same to anyone else.

Period.

I know plenty of people who've experienced pain, some unfathomable pain, but not forced that onto others. It can be done and it is for each and everyone one of us to take responsibility and face accept our pain and NOT pass it on to someone else...

I will once again protect myself. I am working very hard at finding ways to protect myself that do not shut out memories or block off parts of my past as well as prevent evenings like last night from effecting me so negatively and harshly.

And I sure as hell will not pass the pain along to other people no matter how badly it hurts.

59 - Month Two Ends!

"I know body hair bothers some women, but a lot of men like a fluffy partner."

- Dame Edna Everage

Yes well being married to a person who inhabits a female character in their art I've learned to appreciate this quote on many levels over the years.

Anyway...look at the mess they leave behind when they have shows to do? Granted if one has to find messes, glitter isn't the worse possible thing (and performing in a few burlesque shows myself in the last year I've left my own share) but nonetheless...

[PS - My facebook status at the moment reads: Jeff is soon off to a Golden Girls night at the Stonewall wearing a Golden Girls t-shirt, a sparkly scarf AND watching my husband do a geriatric Liza Minnelli skit. Maybe I AM a homosexual just like Mommy said...]

58

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

- "Closing Time" by Semisonic

This just has to be one of the most depressing and yet simulataneously uplifting lines in a pop song.

Ever.

57

It’s days like today, half cold of winter and half thaw of spring, that bring me back to last year.

Nana getting sick.

Visiting her in the hospice facility. The beautiful early spring weather, the vibrant colors and smells of awakening flowers, grass, trees and earth outside and the medicinal stuffy and choking smell of death and suffering inside. I associate the two now in some sort of odd and twisted marriage.

And for now…bizarrely I find some comfort in that…I would go back to those visits in a heartbeat.

I don’t think this will last forever. I should imagine (a phrase Nana actually used quite often that I’ve adopted – is it a colloquialism? I don’t know it’s derivation…) that one day I will simply smell the lush scents of seasonal renewal and not imagine the antiseptic, the bodily fluids, the bad and burnt coffee along with the sounds of the beeping life monitors, the look of the institutionally shiny hospital floors…the sad, resigned, often bewildered but strongly resolute look in Nana’s eyes.

But it will be a long time from now.

When that time does come I hope to embrace the sensory beauty of spring with the thoughts of better scents, better sounds and better days.

56

I realized this evening as I was on my daily "photo hunt" (this time it was a specific mission - as opposed to just carrying a camera with me everywhere - I went out walking around looking for things that caught my eye or piqued my interest) that I take digitally what is the equivalent of about 3-4 rolls a film a day.

And amazingly, with all of these photos, I am lucky to be able to come up with one image that I don't mind posting on here each day.

55

If I were to be given a selection of super powers to choose from...although it would be a tough choice to make...I think I would select the power to control time. Or at least the perception of time.

I would make the happy moments feel like a hundred years and the not so happy ones no quicker than a lightning bug's flash.

54

Ahhh...the sweet bird of youth...er, ok...would you buy the wooden fowl of senescence??

“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything; the young know everything.”

- Oscar Wilde

53

And then sometimes...you walk out of your building...and for reasons not obvious...someone, someone, has placed a neon pink Peep on the orange construction barriers that now reside in front of your building...and another someone, someone...has thoughtfully scattered bird seed...assumingly to feed the marshmellow chick.

52

"When the place is all dark(...)and I'm awake, it's like being alive and being dead at the same time, y'know? It's this sorta halfway thing, where people who are alive are dreaming and people who are dead are... where they are. And I'm here... in the dark and the quiet."

- Bobby from A Home At The End of the World by Michael Cunningham

51

I’ve thought about this before but it’s been coming back to me in varying degrees of clarity and sharpness as of late, most recently on the walk in to the day job this blindingly cold morning.

What happens when a dream you’ve based your life on becomes more of a nightmare? When it stays too long, doesn’t evolve, change or otherwise adapt and yet still continues to hold on to you and you to it?

The dream morphs into a wall. A blockade. It effectively seals off the potential of other dreams that could come true, doesn’t it? The dream haunts you instead of propelling you forward.

I’m not saying that I think my own dream/dreams are doing this to me but as someone who is constantly analyzing their life and accomplishments (or often the lack thereof) I can’t help but look to these questions and wonder.

I am not a believer in abandoning dreams because I do believe they serve a purpose. But I also believe that after a certain amount of time, if you are not feeling positive energy and inspiration from those dreams, you either have to let them die and mourn them or you have to seriously evaluate them and try to find a way to “make them over” into something perhaps a bit more on the realistic side.

I tend to feel that at least some of “my dream” needs to be made over. I don’t necessarily have to watch it die but I do need to maybe see the bigger picture through a different lens.

50

I just learned that my favorite teacher, one I had in high school, passed away two years ago this March.

I am a little surprised and of course very saddened by this news.

He was one of the handful of people I’ve had the privilege of encountering who took a sincere and vested interest in my life and the direction it would take.

He taught US history. His enthusiasm about the subject was legendary. But somehow, in spite of that enthusiastic teaching style and the admiration I had for him I still didn’t do very well that first term I had him.

He noticed this and took me aside one day. He told me he believed in me and knew I was a smart kid. He talked about my participation in the drama club and how talented he thought I was and wanted to see me “make it”. He gave me just the slightest bit more attention in class and encouraged a very shy and awkward fifteen year old me to speak up and participate.
Little by little I became excited about the subject myself. I wrote essays, I read chapters, I studied for tests. I even did extra credit! I became enamoured of one of his favorite books, A People's History of the United States.

I felt he cared about me.

For the first time in my high school experience I believed that a teacher was routing for me and not out to get me. If he had the level of confidence in my potential then how could I not have the same for myself?

It was powerful.

By the time the year ended I had an A average. Considering that I started out with a C minus it was nothing short of a miracle. And it happened through the hard work I put in because Mr. Paulhus took the time to encourage me and support me.

And the remarkable thing was that he did this for so many students. Year after year, student after student. Routing us on in class, coaching us in sports, guiding us in after school activities and cheering us on to our futures.

I remember after the horrible incident in my senior year (I was no longer in Mr. Paulhus’ class) he spent a good deal of time talking to me when student and teacher alike tended to avoid me. While he expressed disappointment in my role in the event he was appalled by the way I had been treated by the teacher and he wanted me to know that he was on my side. If I needed anything he was there. He didn’t have to do this but he did and I believe it was because he cared.
The very last time I saw him was when Bill and I still lived in Providence. It was the summer although I don’t recall the year – possibly 1996 or 1997. I stopped in to one of the big box stores to get some stuff and who did I run in to in one of the aisles? Mr. Paulhus. He was excited to see me and wanted to know everything that was going on. And he was still giving me advice and guiding me in our conversation. I left that meeting exhilarated and fortified.
He was an inspiration to me and to so many others. The way I learned this news, a Facebook page dedicated to him and with members ranging from alumni like me to the more recent students he had, is a testament to that inspiration and the impact he made on his students’ lives.
He will continue to influence our lives and in turn the lives of those around us. His legacy is truly a perfect example of the ripple effect. Never underestimate the power in reaching your hand out to another human being.

Thank you, Mr. Paulhus, you were a once in lifetime man and I am privileged to have known you.

49

"New York is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from."

- Fran Lebowitz

"The city is like poetry; it compresses all life, all races and breeds, into a small island and adds music and the accompaniment of internal engines."

- E. B. White

Let me apologize in advance for the SJP-esque moment I'm having today.

But it occurs to me just how deeply I love New York City and how truly difficult it will be to leave it one day.

I often say out loud "God I hate this City! I can't wait to get away from here!!" in my many moments of frustration or loss of sanity.

But I don't really mean it.

I'm not thrilled with some of what the City represents and lord knows I do not like many of the inhabitants of this island (but to be fair, as an ever so slightly border line misanthrope, I could probably make that claim no matter where I lived) but when push comes to shove...I'm pushing for this place.

I'm proud to be a resident of this place and to proclaim that I have survived and on occasion THRIVED in this place for ten years. I am a completely different person today because of this City. It is the foundation for the rest of my life and good or bad...I don't think I would have it any other way.

48

I'm feeling really dull and listeless.

Everything.

My complexion.

I'm hating my haircut. I broke my glasses two weeks ago and have been wearing a pair I had about 5 years ago and detest them.

I am physically exhausted for no apparent reason. It literally took every ounce of my being to drag myself to the gym tonight.

I am not finding the joy in exploring images and creating new perspectives or simply capturing anything that interests me.

I'm sick to death of cold-ish, sort of bright but sort of gray and snowless winter days.

Basically I think I have some sort of bleak mid-winter blues. Not depression so much...actually I am hoping that I don't have a depressive episode in the middle of this because something tells me it won't be pretty.

But I still try to find things that make me smile or happy, even if for a moment.

A sleeping dog's hind paw on a bright pink blanket. C'mon that's GOT to shake off the blues, if only for a bit.

47

Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.

Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie
Why does a chicken? I don't know why.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.

Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie
A fish can't whistle and neither can I.
Ask me a riddle and I reply:
Cottleston Cottleston Cottleston Pie.

- AA Milne by way of Winnie the Pooh

46

The earliest citation of mojito is 1931 and the drink was entitled Cuban mojo, meaning soul...mojito would then mean little soul.

Salut...

45

Weird thing.

This morning I was really foggy when I woke up. I didn't take any sleeping pills last night so it wasn't that - actually I thought I slept pretty well. Anyway I wasn't quite with it.

Usually the first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth. I mean before anything else I brush teeth.

So I go to the bathroom open the medicine chest with the intention of brushing my teeth.

But instead of putting toothpaste on my toothbrush I instead squirt it on to my...razor.

Seriously.

Luckily I snapped out of automatic before I actually put it in my mouth but it REALLY freaked me out. Not because I came close to doing it because I know it wouldn't have gone further but just the thought of someone running a razor over their teeth and in their mouth sent chills through my body and made me weak.

This shot was an attempt to find the humor in the situation whilst also weakening the power of the imiage in my mind. I can do better and actually may try to set up something better for a series at some point because I also started thinking of all sorts of weird and freaky things someone could brush their teeth with...hammer, screwdriver, comb, scissors, celery stalk...I'm making myself sick.

Happy Valentine's all...

44

"People who have good taste are bound to make a mistake now and then, because they're human, and when they do it's a horrendous one. It's so ugly you can't believe it. On the other hand people who have terrible taste are bound to make a mistake and buy something exquisite - and you can't possibly understand how that could happen"

- Joan Crawford

Several Christmases ago B gave me a wonderful gift. A signed edition of Joan Crawford's book "My Way of Life" from which I took the above quote.

It is a fabulous book. It has a lot of camp value. The way she wrote it is very conversational so you can actually hear her saying what you're reading.

Highly enjoyable. A sure way to make me smile and rassle up some creative inspiration is to slide it off the shelf and open up to any page.

43

"Animals are kinder to one another than we have been led to believe and nature has more space for people like us than we have been led to believe."

- Joan Roughgarden, author of "Evolution's Rainbow", biologist, transwoman and likely thorn in the dead side of Darwin

42

I love drinking seltzer.

I also love the belch immediately following.

It is good for all that ails the tum.

41

I love the feeling you get when you take one of those really big, deep down in your lungs, breaths and release it on a long exhalation with a sort of moan/sigh sound to accompany.

When done at the right time and done the right way the feeling reverberates throughout your body and it is amazing.

The tingle in your back and shoulders, the warm wave spreading out to your limbs, signaling the release of something toxic, even if only temporarily, is one of the true joys in life. The moment is made even better when you are in a beautiful place or with beautiful people but I can attest that it feels brilliant even when you are in dank office with people who can often appear like monsters.

40

We were waiting to enter the cabaret room and sipping our drinks. Very few, if any people were there yet when a very tiny, frail appearing old woman in a very sensible outfit with a very sensible and neutral colored purse came up to the bar and was served a hefty glass of wine. She smiled at us pleasantly and greeted us and then went back to her wine.

We sort of whispered to each other, debating about whether that was her or not. I think we finally agreed that it couldn't be and although we both love older people decided not to bother this woman.

We took our table in the room and the place began to fill. Soon there wasn't a seat to be had. The lights dimmed and slowly from the doorway strode the old woman from the bar...and took her seat at the piano situated at the front of the room and addressed the room in that famous voice sounding more like a little girl than an almost 80 year old woman.

From that moment on I was in love. The voice, her fingers moving across the keys of the piano, the weird and wonderful songs, the wit and wisdom in a note...the way she scolded audience members idiotic enough to make unnecessary noice or chatter during her shows...so much about Blossom Dearie made it easy to fall in love with her, the way love is supposed to be, warts and all.

39

More often than the very vivid nightmares I tend to have, I spend my sleeping time in vibrant and exciting dreamscapes.

It got me to wishing that I could photograph my dreams. Because I heard someone say that it didn't happen unless you have a picture.

But I know it did! At least I feel as though it did...

I meet amazing people, some I recognize and some I’ve never seen (or consciously remember anyway). And oh the places I go!! Not to mention the way I get there some of the time (I do so love flying like a bird without benefit of machinery). Even the scents and textures I feel in my dreams are incredibly rich and happily often incongruant to the real life experience (strawberry smelling lightpost is one of the more recent examples - I can assure you that the lightposts I've encountered in my life smell nothing like berries, strawberry or otherwise) .

Even better is that Nothing is impossible in my dreams. And even better than THAT is that nothing is WEIRD or ODD in my dreams...not even me.

38

We drove out to the "country" today - Long Island - for our friend's daughter's first birthday.

I must say it was a refreshing break and enjoyable afternoon.

And on the way back we stopped at a farm with a market and I made a new friend.

37

I'm happy to see this week end. It's been long, highly stressful and often sad.

There are times I just want to escape behind the door where I am certain that things are happier.

36

"Art goes on in your head. If you said something interesting, that might be a title for a work of art and I'd write it down. Art comes from everywhere. It's your response to your surroundings. There are on-going ideas I've been working out for years, like how to make a rainbow in a gallery. I've always got a massive list of titles, of ideas for shows, and of works without titles."

- Damien Hirst

PS - Not a huge fan of his but I read this and I really liked the philosophy

35

"The river is constantly turning and bending and you never know where it`s going to go and where you`ll wind up. Following the bend in the river and staying on your own path means that you are on the right track. Don`t let anyone deter you from that."

- Eartha Kitt

34

For almost a year now I feel as though I have been on edge.

I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Something bad must be coming.

Over the last week the pup has had some strange things going on with her mouth. We thought perhaps it was a simple injury and switched her over to home made soft food in the hopes that it would correct. Well it didn’t so we called the vet and they said that it was likely an abscess or tooth issue and to bring her in this morning and they would take care of it.

Of course I am a mess because I am thinking about the absolute worse case scenario, imagining her dying, which although possible (possibly for any one of us at any time), doesn’t seem probable right now. Her behaviour, appetite and habits haven’t changed one iota with the exception of this mouth problem. There is really no logical reason for me to think the worst right now...especially not to the point of near emotional paralysis.

And this is my point…each time something comes up, no matter how small, I’ve been going to the extreme negative of what that could possibly mean. Some days I am literally sitting on the edge of my chair, back and shoulders clenched in anticipation of the “worst”. And frighteningly I don’t even consciously realize it until I become physically sick as a result.

So I think I’m going crazy because although I have had moments and even whole days where I feel relaxed and peaceful, it never lasts very long and as if someone has dumped a bucket of cold water over my head I am violently snapped back to “reality”. I chastise myself for letting my guard down because I do not want to be caught unprepared when the bad thing happens.

It’s horrible.

Yesterday I was speaking to a friend of mine about the pup and told her how I am constantly anxiety ridden these days. She shared with me that when her father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and subsequently struggled with it and ultimately died as a result she spent 5 years in the same state I have just described. Always worrying about when the next bad thing would happen. And I do not exaggerate when I tell you this is probably one of the nicest, most level headed, calm and intelligent people I have ever met in my life.

So it struck me that when you suddenly lose an important someone in your life or you are threatened with the loss of someone important you don’t recover from that over night or even over a year.

Grief continues to make its mark even when you are not crying everyday.

I’m still grieving. Grieving over the loss of Nana and grieving over the fact that my cousin has breast cancer and grieving over what those two events, happening so close to one another mean…

And I don’t want to lose Kiawah now even though I know it is an inevitability I am simply not ready and I cry as I type this because I don’t think I have even explained myself or expressed the way I have been feeling. I still think I am crazy and I still wish I could just be done with feeling this way.

I have to work for peace and calm but to be honest I don’t know how to do that right now. I work out. I do yoga. I do this project. I do the things one is supposed to do but still I’m not finding it.

I want to put it into my art but I don't even know how to do that at the moment.

I’m not the only one to face this but that aside it is a very lonely state to be in.

33

I had an idea for a project about two months back that really excited me. I want to get started on it but something has been holding me back from designing how I will bring the project to fruition.

I mean I keep seeing shadows of it in my head but there is a blockage between the idea and the implementation that will not allow the vision to become clear.

I wonder what it could be?

And I just realized that I verbalized another project idea to my partner last weekend that seems much clearer to me and a lot less complicated to achieve but probably not as satisfying as the formerly mentioned project.

I don't want to become to full of ideas and to empty on accomplishments.

What do I do?

32

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful" - Mae West